Ari:VikingWizardEyes:Jon

I Know You Are Evil That Comes Straight Out Of Hell

2006-10-30T20:46:00.000+08:00

I just thought I'd blog here. Spent some time looking back on the years that have passed me by. Boy, it has been one helluva trip. There have been ups and downs. Some surprises and letdowns. There are still questions that beg to be answered. And there are answers that are better left unknown. Someday, victory will be mine.

Leap Into The Void

2006-09-28T02:06:00.000+08:00

We spend so much time apart. And the times that we do spend together, it's as if we don't even know each other anymore.

Send In The Clowns

2006-09-17T15:00:00.000+08:00

The Playwright Mentorship Programme has begun and it is HARDCORE! As it is the first exercise has really helped heaps I would think, cause it helps me in scripting coherently. It's like I finish the CORE. And then I expand it. As in, the beginning and the end have already been decided so all I need to do is like expand it and work in between. Writing it down and having others comment on the CORE is much better than me vocally discussing the story with them. Somehow. Haha!

I think I'm almost done with the assignment set. Hardcore! Now I only have to figure out the music that is supposed to be playing during one of the scenes. Hmm... This week, no jamming. Cause Azfar got some Russian dude bunking in at his place. Oh well, hopefully we get to jam next week. Booya!

Another week of examinations. Bah... But at least it ends well, cause like Sidhu says that he will treat us to dinner at Pizza Hut on Friday night. Hardcore! Halim is sure to be jealous. He's been complaining about how my class practically changed Sidhu. I think it's a symbiotic relationship. He changes us. We change him. There are things in both which cannot be changed, so I guess both just adapt to it kinda thing. Yeah!

Stab Your Friends Like You Mean It

2006-09-05T11:20:00.000+08:00

Yessa! I got some studying done just now. So that's something eh? Reached home close to 12. I guess my mom is like used to it already? She just asked me where I went that's all. She just spent the whole day at the hospital cause my bro got one of his rabbit teeth (I'm not sure what they are really called.) broken so like now they're going thru the motions of having it replaced like killing the nerves and stuff like that. I'm glad such a thing has never happened to me. I chipped my rabbit tooth before but that's that. Oh yeah, I once blogged about dreaming about a rattlesnake and how it was supposed to mean that I was soon to be sold out.. Well it happened.

Been considering joining the United Nations as a career. Last time I checked, one had to be proficient in at least 3 of the official languages, which is English, French, Spanish, Russian, Arab and Chinese. Maybe I can find work within the social development section. I don't know. Maybe I could work towards being a teacher and should the time come, at least I can offer my services as an education personnel. You can't just believe in something and not do anything about it. The same way if you believe in God, you pray to God, it is the same with this. I believe in the United Nations and the principles it is based on, ergo I will do something about it.

Anyways people, if you're reading this blog of mine, it just means that you've got lots of time on your hands and that you don't mind both wasting time and killing some brain cells reading this blog of mine. (I didn't dare to put that "you've got lots of brain cells" cause it does not seem to apply to everyone.) I would like to thank you guys and girls for doing so anyways, your efforts have not gone unappreciated. But since you've got lots of time on your hands, why not do something good with it too? On my links list, Reinvented Exits, I've listed some links which you can visit and with a few clicks you can actually donate to worthy causes like saving the Earth and to help poor people to be self-sufficient and stuff like that. Please people, it just takes less than a minute of your time.

I'm thinking of becoming a vegetarian... Like for real. I think I can live with eating mock meat and stuff like that. It is all good to me. But then I'm thinking, if I become vegetarian, aren't I actually choosing instead to starve these animals to death by eating up their food? I guess, I'm better off clicking away and making donations. I'll let the pros handle such questions of ethics.

And I'll write you letters everyday
With the hope that each one will find you well.

Soundtrack Of The Emotionally Wounded

2006-08-30T17:22:00.000+08:00

There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how. Let alone, if I could ever do it. It has been a blur these past few years. The more I seek, the more I get lost. I don't know what to feel. I can't find the words to say what I'm feeling. I just wanna go. I do not have the strength to stay. I don't wanna die anymore. Emptiness. Hold me. Down.

There is NOTHING to be happy about.

What needs to be done?

Nothing needs to be done.

Romeo, Juliet and Her Dog, Rover

2006-08-22T12:05:00.000+08:00

Is it me or does it take forever just to load Hotmail nowadays. How are they ever going to beat Google if they are not going to do anything at improving their services? Man... Just because it's a free service doesn't mean they have to be all fucked up about it. This ain't some service to download porno mind you. God...

so anyways, up to nothing much but studying here and there. been working on some scripts at the same time. Decided to go for the playwright mentorship thing. I think it will help me in crafting my scripts. i finally finished Trials and Tribulations of Someone Who Asked For It. I must say that though the ending was planned, the course was definitely not something i had expected. Maybe at a later time i will reflect upon it and do some changes. Currently working on this script that explores the idea of a story within a story. really fun. Have to do some tweaking though. Cause i'm really not good with dialogues. So like yeah, i would definitely want to learn the art of creating dialogue during the mentorship programme. I'm definitely better at writing monologues. Hell, most of my pieces are more of monologues than dialogues. ha!

This week is my Sayang Wuddles birthday week! Yeah! haha! Huggy! I love you Sayang! =)

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served With Asphalt

2006-08-11T11:45:00.000+08:00

It's finally over. Her idol journey of self conceitedness is finally over. Well, it's time to pucker up and kiss the asphalt.

Silence of The Kitty Cats

2006-08-10T13:12:00.000+08:00

Recently I watched Silence of The Kittens. Directed by my mentor Aidli 'Alin' Mosbit no less. Written by Ovidia Yu. Mustn't forget the playwright! Mustn't forget that the tickets I got were complimentary of Alin too. Wah! That show was a blast! It was so funny! And not only was it funny it was insightful! A perfect balance between the IQ and EQ aspects of the play was struck. In short, I loved it! I've thus far watched two of Alin's works. At least that which I can recall. One is Fundamentally Happy in which she acted and the other is Silence of The Kittens in which she directed. In both pieces, I was telling myself, 'Yes, this is how Alin would have done it.' However in retrospect, I'm also wondering, was that the playwright's intent? It's exciting, to be learning the ropes of theatre the renegade way.

We're the renegades of funk.

Inspiration In Self-Destruction

2006-08-09T21:14:00.000+08:00

I'm inspired. Right now juggling a few ideas and premises that i can use for future plays. hmmm... totally inspired...

Proud to know that my cousin was in this years Guard Of Honour Police Contingent. Hardcore!

Crikey!

2006-08-06T17:26:00.000+08:00

I dreamt of a rattlesnake at the top of my bedroom door hissing and spitting venom at me and my siblings. We hid underneath the blanket and urged each other to cover our eyes, in fear that we might just turn blind should the venom make contact with our eyes. We screamed and screamed and nobody came. Nobody came though we knew that the rest of the family were outside.

They say, dreams of a rattlesnake can mean two things, treachery from someone you trust, or the passage of time. As the paranoid android that the mass media has brought me up to be, i'm going for the former. Treachery! Treacherous times are ahead...

Last Call Before The Curtain Falls

2006-07-31T22:26:00.000+08:00

PPP is finally done with. Monochromania has finally been staged. It leaves behind this sense of emptiness though. But emptiness, emptiness I can bear. It has been with me for a long time coming. I tell myself that I shouldn't put myself through unneccessary heartache and that I should just do what I can and stop when I can. So Monochromania should be my last piece. Unless, I'm poked into activity again. But I hope it's not too soon. Effendy wanted me to join the mentorship programme, but I've declined.

98% of the people on my MSN list, do not actually have me listed on their lists.

Half A Man I Used To Be

2006-07-11T21:17:00.000+08:00

Life hasn't really been great for me. The shadows have crept up on me yet again. Passion. Sometimes I feel that I've lost it. But I guess passion can never be lost. It probably went to sleep. Maybe at one point of time another, you find out that there are somethings in life that you just can't do anymore. And then you feel like giving up. But passion. Passion will tell you that there are other things you can do. For example, passion will drive an athlete to be a coach. Passion. I have passion for alot of things in life. And I thank God for these chances and opportunities. And I apologise for spurning them at some turns. Passion and Hope will see me through.

Sometimes, when I see the world around me, I feel really upset. Disappointed. They say just let it be. Oh well, let's just enjoy life. Life's short, you gotta do all that you can before your time's up.

You Just Gotta Stay High

2006-06-25T22:18:00.000+08:00

I don't belong here. Maybe I'll run. But with nowhere to go, i'm left with dying. Wasting away till the time comes for me to go. Maybe I'll go up. Maybe I'll go down. Maybe there's nowhere to go and heaven and hell is just something we came up with. But in this grief and sadness, i'm glad that i've found my love. I love my Wuddles!

Teen Spirit Anyone?

2006-06-25T18:03:00.000+08:00

But when the night is falling
and you cannot find the light
If you feel your dream is dying
Hold tight
You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget we only get what you give

Lines from one of few songs that have managed to make an impact on my life. It's still on high rotation on my playlist everytime. Helps me get through tough times of disbelieving and pessimism. If the production is in shambles it can only mean that I'm not putting in enough effort. If the band haven't been jamming though the show's only next month, it can only mean that i'm not putting in enough effort. If I missed selection for the Hong Kong Open, it can only mean that I've not done enough and should put in more effort. Everything is down to effort. They say, somethings are purely based on team effort and one shouldn't overwork one's self over something that we lack control of. Truth is, we're just to lazy to admit the fact that it just takes one single person in a team to put in that extra effort to pull the whole thing out of the funk. Effort. Perseverance. The knowledge that hope still lingers though you've given up on it.

This world is gonna pull through. Just as long as you give it all.

2006-06-20T20:46:00.000+08:00

I just remembered this. So in school... it was like a few days after the US of A led coalition forces moved in on the Afghans. And like the teacher for that day (I can't remember who it was specifically) was like telling us about the horrors of 9/11 and how she thinks this whole thing is justified cause the war on terror is a good war. So then suddenly she tells us, there's this senior of ours... who is like asking around whether anybody would join her on a trip to Afghanistan to fight the infidels. And we're like what the?! I mean... we've got a religious fanatic in our school who wants to wage jihad! And then we're like...

WE: So what happened to her?
TEACHER: Oh, we had a talk with her.
WE: And?
TEACHER: Oh, we all took turns laughing at her and telling her it's a ridiculous. So in the end she has decided to drop it.

Man... talk about top notch counselling.

2006-06-19T17:02:00.000+08:00

So i'm pissed and decided that maybe i could whine bitch and moan right here. So i'm getting fucking pissed with the cast and crew of the play. It has been awhile since i've felt like this. Back then, i was as confrontational as it goes. I would just "fuck you, fuck you and fuck you cause all of you are fuckers and i couldn't care less what you feel you all feel, cunts." But now, i've decided to take a less confrontational stance. Cause everybody has feelings and i don't wanna be going around and hurting those feelings right?

Well, i'm fucking pissed now. and what about my feelings? does anybody give a fucking hoot about how i feel about this whole fucking mess?!!! i've got actors, who are better off anchoring the news for the blind. i mean wtf is wrong with them?!

Me: Ok... do sad.
Actor: I can't do sad.
Me: ok... do crazy.
Actor: I can't do crazy.
Me: ok... so what can you do?
Actor: I dunno?
Me (to myself): well fuck you fucktard.
Me (to them): ok... we'll work on it.

I'm thiking whose fault is it anyways? am i asking too much from them? i mean... all i'm asking for is for them to fucking act? i mean that's in their job description right? to just fucking act? but then, since all of them are like that, what can i say right?

but to be fair, one or two of them is doing their darnest so i'm quite happy about that?

But the fact of the matter is this, WHY THE FUCK CAN'T THEY EVER DO RESEARCH?! everything also is down to Jon. well Jon happens to think that you should fucking do your own fucking research. I'm not asking for stellar performances.. i'm just asking for all of them to do their fucking research. is it that hard? all i'm asking for is for them to give me their best! is that too much to ask for?

the crew... the crew..at times i feel that they are redundant. to the point where, if i actually wanted, i can actually just do the whole fucking thing myself. is it too much to ask for iniatiative? or is everybody too busy covering their own asses? I'm fucking pissed. Fucking irritated. Sometimes, i feel that this might as well jsut be a monologue.

2006-06-16T16:18:00.000+08:00

Me blogger. Me shall blog now. Blog blog blog!

I guess things are looking up. Realised that sometimes i can pee and pee for like a minute or so. I mean, wtf? I thought about it. if all goes well, i should call up an old teacher-mentor-friend of mine to organize an overseas trip for the Total-jammerz. All of us have like grown! So it ought to be fun. I wonder if we will all bring our partners or just ourselves. It'll be fun. But maybe even this thought will disappear from the pages of time. So i'm recording it down in this blog.

Woke up and starting thinking whether i have been influenced by Marxist ideas. I dunno. I would like to make a film sometime soon. I dunno about what though. I shall think about it.

So anyways, i have this friend who like likes this girl. I won't say love cause i dunno if it's really love. At least not now. It takes time. I don't know for sure if it will work out. But i'm staying optimistic. I'm an optimistic person! I look at things with a bucket full of sunshine! Really!

The play is going on fine. Well it was fine months ago too. Waiting for it to be great and splendid. Starting to believe that i have to be strong and call the shots. Very disappointed in a lot of ways. But then, life goes on.

2006-06-09T22:31:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow we're gonna have rehearsals at TAPAC. Pretty nervous about it actually. I am having negative thoughts about the script and all. I don't think it's strong enough. Nowadays i'm busy trying to tweak the script and to like work on making the sound track and video track (if we're going to actually use it.) Tomorrow will be the first time that the cast gets to like interact with the set which i have labelled as the actor that never comes for rehearsal. Very nervous about it. Gah... have faith. have faith.

2006-05-29T00:24:00.000+08:00

Singapore Idol has hit me where it will hurt the most. Haha... My sanity. So like i was on the bus... and then this lady suddenly started singing. Singing as in loudly as in like very loudly kinda thing. She sang so many songs!!! It was so loud. My god... And to think i thought the trip to school would be a normal affair. Gah!

So anyways... My cousin is in the top 28. Whoopie for that! So that's about it.

2006-05-23T21:11:00.000+08:00

Yet again, Fortune has decided to sneak low and deal me a blow.

I've been selected for the Men's National Relay squad which is training and preparing for upcoming meets such as SEA Youth Games, Asian Youth Gamees and Asian Games. But as we all know i've injured. I"m devastated. And angry yet again.

ALL THIS FOR A FUCKING SILVER?! FOR A FUCKING SILVER THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL TO ME? A FUCKING SILVER THAT WILL PROBABLY BE THEIR BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT EVER IN THEIR LIVES? ALL THIS? I'VE SACRIFICED SO MANY THINGS FOR YOUR STUPID EGOS AND PRIDES, NOW TELL ME WHAT IS YOUR SACRIFICE FOR ME GOING TO BE?

They say, God has a plan. Well i hope it's a good plan. Cause at this rate... I don't have much to live for.

2006-05-21T04:37:00.000+08:00

These few days, my mind seems to tell me that there's someone from my past that I ought to look for. An old friend. But it seems as if that friend has simply vanished. From every single contact list of mine, I simply couldn't find my old friend. I tried to even source out my friend's sibling cause maybe then would i be able to make contact. But seems to me that even she, has simply disappeared. My mind wonders, did I just imagine them?

2006-05-20T05:41:00.000+08:00

Currently trying my best to translate Monochromania. From english to malay. It's such a fucking hassle if i may say. I don't even think it's worth the effort. I don't even think it will pay off to be honest. I have no faith in the script. Hopefully, this thing won't end in disappointment. It's not for me. It's for them. The only person that I intend to disappoint ever in my life is myself. Life's better knowing that you've only got yourself to disappoint.

2006-05-20T05:03:00.000+08:00

I was thinking. I think I'm better at writing stuff that actually didn't have to be rooted in reality. Like Ever After. I mean... It's hard trying to write about everyday normal life when everybody is trying to define life the way they think it should be. I think, i'm better off at writing nothing at all. Haha~! Yeah that's it. I'm a happy Jon!

I love my Wuddles! Huggy forever and ever!

2006-05-18T17:36:00.000+08:00

The doctor seemed to be upbeat about my condition. 6 more weeks before my collarbone sets. Actually it ranges..from 6-12 weeks. Am i'm upset? Haha.. I didn't know what to feel and i still don't. Maybe it hasn't set in yet. He offered to give me more MC. But I declined. I also got to see the X-Rays! Let's just say it was indeed a ckean fracture such that my left collarbone totally broke. Haha. 45 degrees.

This may be entertainment...but the hazards are real. Real friends don't put you up to things that you feel obliged to do. Yeah, that's what went through my head a while back.

2006-05-17T20:52:00.000+08:00

One reason why we'll always be better than RJ. It only took us 2 wins for the whole campaign to get 2nd while they had to win 5 games to get 2nd.

2006-05-17T05:24:00.000+08:00

My cousin is participating in Sg Idol. She's the girl that sings Colours of the Wind in the commercials. Her name is Rahimah Rahim. No, it's not a joke.

Bereaucracy. It's fucked. The whole thing was fucked to begin with. Such a hassle. Using my brother's powerbook G4 to blog. The screen makes me regret not agreeing to my mom's offer to get one for me. It's so freaking wide. haha... But oh well... You gotta make do with what you have. Oh yeah what was it that i was bitching about.. Oh yeah.. bereaucracy.

As some of you know, I'm busy trying to produce a play that i penned, Monochromania. It's getting increasingly frustrating. Just when i thought the penning of the play was the biggest hassle i find out that i actually have to apply my PR skills. Skills that i must admit i have little or none to begin with. Now i understand what Fendi meant. Ah~! And i thought he was referring to how i was gonna pen a play about people when i myself choose not to build ties with people. Grr...

So like..i'm supposed to make decisions. But so far... these decisions that i supposedly have to make have already been made for me. I just dunno what the fuck it's for. And to make matters worse... Everybody points a finger at me and say that 'That's just like Jon. Trying to force his idea across.' Well fuck it. I don't have to put up with this shit. Fuck it. This is fucking irritating me. Argh!

Everybody's worried that i am so keen on getting Nina to like act in the production. So they are like trying to counter balance it by getting the other girl. The fact is... I haven't even asked Nina properly whether she'd consider the idea. Bleargh! Everybody's afraid that Nina will be a disruptive force. Well.... How come i can't be worried that the other girl will be a disruptive force?

I'm wondering.. Am i really in this on my own? Ah whatever.

Oh yeah... anyways..my collarbone is mending well! Yay! Today's the rugby final. And as Patrick would put it... So what?

2006-05-15T04:09:00.000+08:00

I can now actually move my arm without screaming in pain. Wow! That's an improvement. I still need help getting up from bed though. And to like take off my clothes. Go ahead... laugh all you want. Now i understand why many people seek euthanasia. It makes complete sense now. I've yet to reach that point. Haha!

It is a tragedy in a myriad of ways. Like the fact i could have said 'No'. Like the fact that Mothers know best. Like the fact that everybody has their own self interests at heart. I knew i was like injured pretty bad. I wanted to be subbed out. But everybody wanted me to stay on the field. At teh end of the day, people will remember that JJ got to the finals. People will not remember that i risked life and limb in order for that to happen. Not for glory or fame. But for the simple fact that I do not want to ever feel guilty over something i could have prevented and i had an obligation to fulfil. Everybody's like, hey thanks man! you did a great job. hey thanks for getting us at least a silver. Now my plans are in a wreck... But nobody will really care. After all, JJ got into the finals.

Oh yeah, it's a tragedy also cause I kept thinking..... I'm fortune's fool.

2006-05-13T20:10:00.000+08:00

Been about three days now. The road to recovery is long and ardous. There are many simple things in life that i could once do which now becomes a complete hassle. I'm hoping i'll recover in a few days' time. Maybe 3? I dunno. What are the odds eh? I just hope it heals soon enough. Days spent in bed are horrible. Argh. Am i angry? Of course i am. Did i see this coming? Of course i did. I hate feeling so pathetic. argh! oh well... life still goes on and i still wait eagerly for the day i wake up without feeling any pain at all! nowadays i sleep in phases. cause every 3 hours i will wake up in pain. life goes on.

the return of the prodigical son was a tragedy from the start.

2006-05-11T18:21:00.000+08:00

I have fractured my collarbone. Hurts like hell. Now I don't think I'll heal in time for the Nationals. Life goes on.

2006-05-08T08:45:00.001+08:00

Elections are over and the PAP has been returned to power. i think the recent elections was a much fairer fight to be honest. Seems to me the Opposition were given more time to prepare their defences and attacks which was good. Pretty sick of hearing foreigners complain that Singapore is a false or flawed democracy. Maybe they are right. Singapore is not a complete democracy, but one thing is for sure, the Singaporean Government are sure doing their job well and swell and doing all the right things. I think, the Singaporean Government even has aspects of Plato's The Republic. Only the best, to serve the public. And yes, I am a PAP proponent. However, I also mean the same for some of the Opposition members. Like Mr Chiam and Mr Low and Miss Sylvia Lim. For them to defend their constituencies and like only allow the PAP a small win margin in Aljunied is quite a feat. They must have got something right. To be honest, I was rooting for them actually. But only in these 3 wards. Otherwise, I am a PAP person through and through. Sure, we need a balanced parliament with Opposition voices in it. But above all, we need a practical, pragmatic and decisive one. As Mr Lee puts it, lets close ranks cause in the end, we're One Singapore.

This is a NE blog, blogged by Jon.

2006-05-08T08:45:00.000+08:00

2006-05-07T16:14:00.000+08:00

I'm disillusioned. And i dun have anywhere to turn to. The only solace i can find is in nightmare fraught sleep. Everyone wants a part of me. Fuck. I don't want to do anything. I just want to get by.

I don't know why i have to put myself thru this. I hate myself for being a pushover. I hate them for taking advantage of my weakness. Fuck it. Just cut the cord.

2006-05-02T02:27:00.000+08:00

Are we doing enough for those who are out there struggling to get by in life?

2006-05-02T01:43:00.000+08:00

Today has been a day of revelations. I feel so political. So politicised. I feel the need to go out there in the world and help those that are downtrodden. Somewhere out there, there is a revolution being waged. And it is up to us to decide whether, the revolution for the right to live as human beings is more important than enjoying life. Why can't we all learn to enjoy life together. The world is big enough for us all.

Viva la revolution.

There is no room for the fascist, the racist, the extremist, the fundamentalist, the militant, the bigots and etc. Let's not focus on the differences and learn that we are only as different as has been defined as others. Forget pan-Slav, pan-Asian, pan-American and let's focus on pan-world.

2006-04-18T21:31:00.000+08:00

It fucking pisses me off. I don't like to work on my script in drips and drabs. It fucking pisses me off. Now i've lost all the ideas. This is fucking pissing me off. I'm pissed.

2006-04-14T19:12:00.000+08:00

Been busy with alot of things. Thought of some new stuff to explore in Monochromania. Having problems with the dialogue actually. Trying to formulate a dialogue is not as easy as one thinks. Then again, most of Monochromania is really a monologue. Hence, my decision to keep the acting cast as little as possible. i possibly only need like 5 to 6 actors or actresses.

'But Jon! Isn't that gonna be bad? Don't you think you'll need more actors? Especially so since your pool of talent will be selected from your school. I mean.. I got to be honest with you Jon... They are not exactly qualified.'

Well, i have full faith in whoever will be selected to act for this production. I heard that many of them decided not to try out cause they were afraid that i'd be bias against them or because they thought that i'm someone that will be hard to work with. Truth be told, i think this is a crock of shit. I am a demanding director no doubt. I expect alot from people that i work with. I only work with the best. And i know those who are involved in this project are all giving their damnest best. So without doubt, i'm working with the best. and i'm happy and thankful. If you think you're good, but however you do not want to audition or try out for any roles (be it backstage or onstage.) cause you think you can't possibly work with me, then it's really your loss. nothing tried, nothing gained. just sod off.

ok back to writing the play. Monochromania.

2006-04-09T20:58:00.000+08:00

I got back my results. B,C,D. That would equate to a C average. I was hoping for a B average. Pretty sad. But what you get is what you've done. Haven't really put in alot of effort so i probably deserve the grades that i've got. Especially for Malay. I think i deserve something better. But i'm just so lazy. Hoping Cikgu would come thru with the notes thing so that i can do some learning soon enough. Been busy.

Been thinking about the play. I need to formulate a script soon enough. Tired.

2006-04-04T22:00:00.000+08:00

Today is the the 4th April 2006. A very very special day for Cuddles and Wuddles! But right now Cuddles is all alone in sunny island Singapore while Wuddles tries to have a smashing adventure in The Down Under. I love you Wuddles! There are times when I really enjoy the feeling of being alone. But today's loneliness has been such a torture. I miss my Wuddles!

2006-03-31T23:46:00.000+08:00

Please make this stop. Please make my heart stop beating, it wouldn't hurt so bad if it did. In turmoil.

Please make this stop.

2006-03-26T11:07:00.000+08:00

Watched Project Suitcase 06 yesterday which was a double bill showcasing Najib's Kalbun and Elangovan's P. Before that we had a workshop of sorts and was given the opportunity to discuss with the two playwrights and such. It was really cool. Najib's discussion with us really opened my eyes to the different perspectives that i can take on a particular subject. Elangovan's discussion session was a treat as i remember as a young boy in primary school reading his short stories that was in this one helluva thick tome. I think it was called Short Stories of ASEAN. something like that.. His discussion really opened my eyes to the types of objection and pressures that a playwright may face in writing what he wants. Lesson is that we must choose whether to write what is true or compromise but above all we have to be socially responsible. It was cool.. I think i saw Fiona Xie along with a host of other celebs. Though i have my doubts whether they really came to watch. Haha.. I'm inspired and motivated.

2006-03-24T01:36:00.000+08:00

The world sat wondering how it'd feel to have a mind of their own. The irony. This world is an illusion, it's about time we wake.

AriJon sat wondering if it's a lie that he's woken up to.

2006-03-23T12:59:00.000+08:00

Lost and confused
Jaded and broken
Shooting hope up the veins
For a better lie to live

Lovers and liars
Clinging on to jaded words
Like they mean everything
To the heathen believers

Seems like forever
To burn out before fading away

2006-03-21T17:48:00.000+08:00

What does Jon want? Jon wants to get good grades for his exams. Jon wants to excel in the sport or sports that he has chosen or is forced to participate in. Jon wants to be in a successful band playing to big crowds that's singing along to all the songs that the band will ever play. Jon wants to write good plays. Jon wants to sell out.

Ari wants to die.

2006-03-20T00:21:00.000+08:00

I'll make belief I have a new life, just so I can continue keeping up with this game of charades that has me playing all the roles. My mind is so full of things that I can barely comprehend. Every thought is like a demon asking to be exorcised. How can they say that everything will be fine?

I'll make belief I have a new life, and with tears in my eyes that frames my plastered smile, I'll tell you that everything is fine.

2006-03-19T04:42:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel that it just takes a single line for me to be able to leave this all behind and be a superstar even if just for awhile, before i finally burn myself up and fall from the heavens into the warm waiting embrace of Terra.

It just takes a single line.

Sometimes, I feel.

2006-03-18T03:42:00.000+08:00

I woke up wondering if there's a higher life. Life has been hectic, but to complain about it would be pointless. It is ultimately my fault. It's all up to me to stand firm and say 'No' afterall. So life has been hectic. This holidays haven't really been a holiday. Been busy meeting appointments and attending workshops and clinics.

Many new things in my life right now. I don't feel so despondent as before. But doubt and depression still lingers. I woke up wondering if there's a higher life.

[SMP] Fairground

2006-01-29T11:40:00.000+08:00

Happy Lunar New Year to all my Chinese friends. Hope that the amount of money collected over the holidays meets your earnings forecast.

I was served with a racist remark the other day. And when i said that i was offended, instead of an apology came even more laughter. Not only from one but the whole clique of them. They honestly thought that making fun of other people's faith is a comic genius. They proceeded to dare me to go on stage and like report them to the whole school. I shared this experience with my other friends and they all agreed that the girl and girls were not only insensitive, they were ignorant, malicious and above all socially and culturally idiotic.

Started jamming with ArPee (if that's even the name still.) again. I can't say for sure if it was good or bad. But it feels as if i don't even know them anymore. But thus far, i'm pretty ok with playing out my role i suppose.

On the side project front though, the band has been renamed Fairground from twentyFOUR. Brought on a new keyboardist for a trial. Trying out Gaius on guitars too. Thus far, we've gone through two originals. But both without lyrics. I do not know for sure where this project will lead us to, but hopefully once we get over the initial hurdles it's all smooth sailing. I'm eager to hand over the reins as i feel that this band is done with its probation period. I hope with the new additions to the band, we can finally complete our lineup and start producing songs.

2006-01-24T02:00:00.000+08:00

Today. Sad. I lost two important things in my life as a student. My photocopying card and my pencil case! The photocopying card cost me $10. Think of all the things i could do with it~! I was sad when i found out that i lost the card. I searched frantically for it. The progenitor toys with me yet again! However, seeing that I was already coming to terms with the loss, the progenitor decides to spring me another surprise.. I come home only to find out that my whole pencil case is gone. I think i might have left it in Bt Timah Plaza. I'm very sad and devastated. That pencil case though it looks cheapo is actually a very very expensive pencil case from Hedgren. Cost me well over $20. I know it's not as stylish and cool as the Ripcurls and the Quiksilvers but it's a Hedgren! Now i cannot find my Sammie(Samsonite) one too! Haiz! I had alot of pens inside! And highlighters! Now it's gonna cost me more money to replace them. If not the pencil case, i still have to repace the pens and hi-lighters. I'm very sad. So no camera or new mobile phone it seeems. More stationery for me. I'm very sad. I smsed Wuddles saying that I'm very sad. I love you Wuddles!

Tonight i got to meet Wuddles for dinner! Mua mua! I love you! Huggy!

2006-01-14T06:40:00.000+08:00

Jamming in a few hours' time. And i just finished learning all the songs. All the songs are chosen due to its' progressive nature. So that the band can progress together. I only booked an hour though as it is pretty hard to get a spot for saturdays. Maybe tomorrow we can place advance bookings a week earlier. Excited about today's jam. Ihsan is coming along to help us move along. Everyone's new. Except me of course. But that's besides the point. Hopefully everybody can pick up a few tips from Ihsan and progress from there. Extremely excited. If we do have time, I intend to unveil the new chord progression for my new songs. No lyrics though. Let's see what fate has given me this time eh?

ArPee update:
Right now, runningonempty is currently back to ArPee. Evelyn has decided to come back to the 'fold' after much deliberation and it is with much disappointment that we had to release Isaac and Joys. I hope that ArPee will go on and continue with its journey. I am excited.

Life update:
Life's been tough. My schedule is like fully booked lah. I'm glad that I'm still able to meet up with Wuddles. This year will be tough as we are unable to see each other as much as we would like to but we will get through this year and move onto our fourth year together and beyond! I've been trying to study as much as possible. Namely history. Need to retain so much info. I must prevail! I love you Wuddles! My love!

2006-01-14T02:14:00.000+08:00

Tonight,
I'm bringing myself down
to the lake of fire
where I'll burst in a fury of flames

Anything
to feel you coarsing
through my veins.

From the light,
we will hear the bells
tolling out to us.

And in this blinding darkness
Can we say that we've found ourselves?

Just random shit that's in my head. I have no idea what any single one of them means. Maybe someday they'll be of use. Maybe i'm just letting off steam. Managed to compose the basic structure of two new songs! That's cool right? I think i shall be trying it out with the new band. Tentatively, it's twentyFOUR. Hopefully everything works out with the new band.

We'll see how.

2005-12-31T13:56:00.000+08:00

My New Year resolution is to mend old ties and start anew. I think seeing Azi like that yesterday made me realise that I miss them. Last time, we always told each other the same jokes over and over again cause we were of course the biggest butts of jokes ever. Thanks Azi. I shall try to talk to Rop. Thanks man.

Fuck the pride. Forget the past. Just reform. ~ Azfar Hazazi
Am I Invisible? ~ Mdm Lim
Hah? Bobby Chow not more already. ~ Shi Jia aka Bobby Chow
Kia Heng! Mr Potato! ~ Nafis to Silin
Hafiz never really said anything memorable. But i remember he got stuck with Bobby for home econs and he always fought with her. But i remember one time he punched somebody cause he panicked. He's going NS soon. WE should meet up.

2005-12-28T02:40:00.000+08:00

I still listen to the songs that we made together. Our songs. I still remember the way you'd play the song. Every strum painted a picture, and every picture told a story. But we never got to telling our story did we? I don't know for sure what brought us together, and i don't know for sure what tore us apart. I don't know if it's true that we're just like feathers floating in the warm summer breeze and that when anything happens it's cause of coincidence that the wind blew it such. And i don't know if things have been fated to be such. There are so many things that i do not know at all, but i do know that i still do miss the way things were.

This cancer of hate,
that burns from within,
I wish i could suffocate,
And die at the beginning.

To ArPee, the boy born of love, and killed by hate.

2005-12-27T18:18:00.000+08:00

I am trying to be a friend by listening. But I also need to be impartial. If I think it's stupid, I'll tell you straight up it's stupid. If I think that something can be salvaged, I'll tell you to keep at it. It has been that way, and it shall be that way for time to come. I miss hanging out with Push and Ape, Ape and Push. (Must be fair and impartial.) True friends like them hard to get by. We don't meet up often. This year only twice if i dare say. Or maybe even just once. And i wasn't able to make it to one. But friends don't just move on just cause meetings haven't been often. Friends remember and wait for that time.

I think...I'm like gonna be done with A Strange Beauty soon enough. Once I sit down and write and link it all. Have got all these weird and strange ideas... Maybe tonight before i go abroad. Never really asked my mom whether she has prepared for my uni education. Oh well.. I would like to study at Notre Dame.

I've written a couple of songs, a couple of plays, a couple of joke books and a couple of diaries. Does that entitle me the title of Artsy? Hmm..

All good things must come to an end... but who can say when?

2005-12-26T05:11:00.000+08:00

I just realised something. Somethings on Yahoo auction can actually run for weeks. But of course it all depends on your luck. So now i have a dilemma. Should i buy a digital prosumer camera or really just a film SLR. I mean we're talking about major differences here. Hmm.. Money is a factor. I'm saving up for my traditional, 'Get myself a gift for birthday.' So what will it be? Hmm!

Anyways, nowadays I'm like spending time looking for really old games so that i get to play them on my N64 and SNES emulator! Talk about hardcore lah! I mean they are old lah. But it's all good. Beats having to play the same old shit over and over again on my XBox. I'm telling you..a PS2 is definitely more worth it than an XBox. But dun take me to task. I only have stupid games to play. So yeap.

I love my Wuddles! Mua mua! Love you deep deep!

2005-12-21T00:14:00.001+08:00

So according to latest intel, ArPee won't be performing for Mosh '06. It's inevitable. As it is we haven't really jammed or anything for pretty long. To be honest, I don't think we're headed anywhere and we're really running on empty. It's pretty frustrating. I'm in a rut right now.

2005-12-21T00:14:00.000+08:00

Considering quitting rugby. Pretty pointless. Don't know where i stand and how i can contribute.

2005-12-19T04:44:00.000+08:00

I have the new Orange Range CD ,Natural! But a Do As Infinity one would be great too!

2005-12-18T04:25:00.000+08:00

[SMP] After[Ever After]

Ok, after After [Ever After] there are supposed to be the other plays that I'm supposed to write. Problem is, how do you write 5 plays down simultaneously when all 5 of them want to be given attention at the very same time. Frustrating. Chaos. So I'm writing 'My Life In Monochrome' and suddenly 'A Strange Beauty' prances around with an idea. And when I turn to listen to 'A Strange Beauty', 'Nine of Hearts' calls out to me. Frustrating. I should really just focus on writing down one at a time. Ok I shall. I shall.

So like, right now Keith is in China. In some zhou-ish place. I dunno which zhou. Guangzhou, Suanzhou, Huangzhou? I dunno. Just one of the Zhous. So like I think this is crazy. I'm like 18 years old now. Turning 19 soon enough. WHY AM I HANGING OUT WITH THE YOUNG ONES AND PRETENDING THAT I'M THEIR AGE? I dunno. This is anal. So anyways, I've been doing alot of observations. I've realised that while my peers are having relationship problems, I don't. I mean, we don't. That's Wuddles and Me. It's like some of my peers are like on the hunt for that elusive partner. Others keep rambling on about their lonely lives. Others just wanna play the field, problem is, they keep getting benched.

So I'm really really happy that Wuddles and I are very much strong together! It's been 18th months ++ now. 18 months! Isn't that just wonderful? 18 months... We practically don't argue at all. Well we do have our own fair share of problems, but we always seem to get over it soon enough. This is awesome innit? So... 18 months.

Rugby. Rugby. Rugby. I'm not cut out for this whole game. I'm fat! So fat! Ok i'm going to get back to writing some plays. Ah!! Tmr i'm cooking for Wuddles! She's going windsurfing first though. I mean...is that cool or what? Windsurfing? I mean...she does all this cool stuff... Wuddles is so hardcore!!

2005-12-17T03:19:00.000+08:00

[SMP] Shades Apart

So right now, I'm really starting to itch to get an SLR camera. I got cheated out of an EOS 88 the last time round and I've told myself not to let it happen again. Well, like Wuddles puts it. There's bound to be something better that will come along. Right now, from where I stand, nothing's coming. Yet. So I've decided to actually try to save up for two months ending 5 days before my birthday on the 25th Feb and get myself my very third SLR camera. I got my first 2 SLR camera when I was young. And now... They have gone up to join the other cameras in Shutter Heaven.

So now, I'm reading up as much as possible so that I can soon become a well informed consumer when I purchase that elusive SLR camera!

Is it going to be first hand or second hand?
Is it going to be a Nikon, Canon or Konica-Minolta?
What model is it going to be?
Digital or Film?
Playboy or National Geographic?

Like sand through the hour glass, these are the factors that I will have to factor in before making THE PURCHASE. Currently, I'm considering between Nikon F55 & F65 or a Canon EOS Prosumer. (Prosumer being one of the models off their prosumer series.)

A quick check on Yahoo shows two things about the F55 and F65. The lens that come with the F65 has to be a good one cause many are selling just the body without the lenses. A quick check with a shop owner also seem to confirm this theory of mine. But I shall read up more on that. F55 on the other hand, is sold with the lens as per normal. Weird...

I've read reports that compared to Minolta and Canon, Nikon cameras are unable to match up in the department of Auto-focusing. Esp with regards to the speed and noise. Actually speed I can understand.. But noise? Can't seem to understand why... But maybe it's cause sometimes when you wanna get a quick stealthy shot at that idiot who has got his zipper unzipped, you wouldn't want to get caught. Hmm...

So it's back to the drawing boards I suppose...

2005-12-14T15:13:00.000+08:00

Correction. I had an SLR camera. Until the seller decided not to sell it to me without telling me and making me fucking worried and worked up over it. So yeah. I had an SLR camera.

2005-12-13T04:57:00.000+08:00

[SMP] Do As Infinity

I just got myself an SLR camera. A Canon EOS 88. Wuddles is very much into photography. I think photography is really cool. I used to own a couple of cameras myself. When i was really really young. Well..i've grown up now. I look forward to upgrading from the EOS 88 soon enough. Maybe to a DSLR. Right now, doing my best to read up on concert photography as I think that i might want to give that a shot. Alot of technical terms that i'm sure Wuddles will more than happy explain to me! Gone are the days where i explain to her Bleach factoids! Haha!!

I'm pretty much excited. Hope that i'll be able to take good shots. Have learnt a few tricks as it is. Time to immortalise them on film. And the film has gotta be either a Kodak or Fuji. No Konica and Agfa. Noted.

2005-12-03T05:33:00.000+08:00

Today i got a concussion from a badly timed tackle. Upon impact, the world exploded into a myriad of colours. My shoulder took a hard hit too. It hurts like crazy. Now i know how it feels to be hit by a steel chair. This may be entertainment, but the hazards are real. Please, do give it a try.

Anyways, i've just realised something. All these actors and actresses whenever they're acting in a remake of an old movie or what not, they always say the same thing.

"I grew up watching ___________ and I can recall how we all used to act out the same scenes in our backyard. I'm really excited to be able to play _________ for the upcoming movie."

Halle Berry said that for Die Another Day. I'm sure one of the contemporary Angels of Charlie's said that too. Along those lines at least. I've been thinking. What if the movie they are suppose to remake is some porno flick? Are they like gonna say the same thing?

"I grew up watching porno and i can recall how...."

Mighty wicked innit? That's all i have to blog about. There's alot on my mind right now.. But i dunno whether i want to blog it or not. Oh well...

I love you Cookie Monster!! *mua mua! Love you!

[SMP] Moon's Fang Slices The Heavens

2005-11-30T14:39:00.000+08:00

I'm back! Back online! Everything's been fixed and I'm back! Back online! I have gotta be honest here. Haven't been doing much as of late. Not even on the plays. I admit that i've been pretty lazy about it. I'm supposed to be done with at least one by the end of the month of December. And i really should start studying in preparation for next year. Just wasting my time away again.

Exciting new changes within the band. So exciting! New songs! That's the most exciting part always! But they cancelled one of our shows. I think the reason given was strictly unprofessional. They cancelled on us just cause they say that they don't really know any one of us besides 'her' of course. A case in point. Everybody knows her. So if she's not in the band, then that means the band is kapoot. However, i think that it was a good thing. At least it gives us more time to prepare ourselves for the Mosh 06 show! And also prepare ourselves. Alot of changes have taken afoot and i must say that it is startling to be in these changes. And i think just being 'anything' and not really have an opinion on EVERYTHING is really good. I am trying my darnest to be more level and more approacheable. (Did i get that right?) So i'm looking forward to the new songs and the shows.

I love my Wuddles! *huggy! This Sunday, it's going to be the 18th month of us! It's been a long journey and the journey still lies ahead. And I would just like to take this moment to say that I love my Wuddles!

Between Angels and Insects

2005-11-13T17:46:00.000+08:00

I'm back. Back. If only for a while. Using the internet over at Ihsan's place. Bored at home. Nothing much to do. Got an idea for a new play. I've named it Between Angels and Insects. As always i'm afraid of sharing details of the play online for now. I have yet to complete the other plays. But i'm working on it. But it's not easy i must say. Not easy at all. I've got an idea of what i want to happen in the stories. However, i'm open to the forces of nature molding my stories. The biggest challenge that i'm facing is creating a smooth transition for all the scenes and most important, a common link throughout the whole play. It's not easy but i have to do it.

That day I was in school to collect my results. And what do you know, I actually passed all my subjects. What a surprise eh? Actually i'm not surprised. I ought to pass. =P I studied pretty hard for them ok?

Oh yeah, so while i was in the office, i saw Mdm Pathrose. She was asking me whether I'd be interested in writing a play for the ELDDS for next year's SYF. I said ok anyways. But i've been thinking about it. I have my reservations. I hope everything pulls through. Oh well. So yeap.. I'm going to do nothing much for now. Just surf about and maybe later go home and think about what i should write for the play.

oh yeah.. one more thing. I would like to pay my respects to the first Vulcan/Human baby hybrid. Your death would not be in vain. I'm so sad!! Watched the last episode for the season cum series of Star Trek Enterprise. Haiz... Why?! I would have preferred that Trip stayed together with T'pol. I don't know why they had him dead. I guess, even though the premise of Enterprise was great the execution was pretty poor. They kept getting stuck in the whole Time Travel thing. It was also severely limited by the fact that the humans could only meet a limited amount of aliens.oh well.. i hope that they will produce the next series for Star Trek and please make it an Enterprise based one and not about Voyager or about DS9.

2005-10-21T12:59:00.000+08:00

The Meltdown

I am now in the library. It's the only air-conditioned place that i've been to in a day. The whole school had a meltdown. There was an electrical outage in nearly all of the classrooms. And it got pretty dark and hot. I'm so not used to not studying in air con. It's one of few good things about JJ. The aircon. The wonderful blessed aircon.

As i was saying, i'm currently in the library, taking an opportunity to blog before my anchor test. We were thinking of skipping the thing but the teacher said that it was compulsory and unless we have an MC to cover for us, we'd have to visit the P if we skipped the damn thing. So.. i guess it's going to be a blardy long day.

Oh yeah, managed to give A Strage Beauty a new angle. And i'm definitely loving it. Was thinking of continuing with the writing after my phone conversation with Wuddles, but i fell asleep. Too tired. i'm really tired. drained. Now i'm like coming up with the other characters that will help me to accentuate the main characters. I hope the idea that i'm trying to push across with A Strage Beauty is easily accepted by the audience.

Currently stuck on My Life in Monochrome. And i can't proceed actually without figuring out what i want right now. So i need to think long and hard about this one. Long and hard.

2005-10-20T09:48:00.000+08:00

Taking time to blog here in school. Can't seem to go online at home anymore. So yeah.. Kinda bored and pissed off at the same time. Actually i have no idea why i would feel pissed off. Lately, i've been feeling really tired and ill and all so haven't really been thinking of anything that i can include in for any one of my three projects. These three projects of course has got nothing to do with music at all. Kinda gotten tired of that one. Oh well. anyways.. Just blogging to let everyone know that i'm still alive and kicking. Till later then.

2005-10-17T21:35:00.000+08:00

Heard from Shak that Cikgu would like to have a Malay drama festival. Sounds interesting! I wish I can be part of the team! It would be exciting to produce a drama that is in Malay! I think I'm beginning to have an affinity for theatre works. Not as an actor mind you, but as a director/playwright. Maybe this affinity will only last as long as the creative well within my brain has dried up. But nonetheless, I'm encouraged! I kinda like being the progenitor!

For now, I'm just penning down all my ideas. I've got 3 ideas. Of which all three could be converted into theatre acts. So far from my test reviews, the plots and ideas are quite well received. Many are interested in how I can develop the story line and most importantly dramatise it. However, I'm also considering just doing them in short story form. Miss Yap has given me her email. She asks that I mail her another one of my piece soon enough as she found my first piece, [After]Ever After rather interesting. I'm trying not to rush things. Just trying to get ideas from here and there. Writing 3 texts simultaneously is kinda taxing. Oh well! Excited!! I never knew theatre could be this fun!

But I must admit that I'm not really a good script writer or director. And I just hope that my ideas are received by the public. As for the ArPee front, we haven't been jamming for quite some time now. So that's something. I don't really have much to say about this. Except that we're supposed to have some shows coming up and I don't feel like performing at all. Cause I think it's kinda rushed. But my opinions are not supposed to be heard. So i'm going to leave it at that.

I don't have much to blog about already. Cause I don't know how to put these thoughts into words. So i'm gonna end it here. I am hungry and I love my Wuddles~!

2005-10-15T17:38:00.000+08:00

Ever After: Revisited

It's finally over. All our hardwork has finally paid off. And it has been such a relief to me. I can now say goodbye to such sleepless nights. No more stress complications too. These few days to the run up of the Drama Festival, i was having chest pains and migraines. It was unbearable but now that it's over, all my worries have been put to rest. And all thaks to the fine performance put up by my class 05A05. I thank you all for rallying together to make this even happen! Without you, Ever After would have remained yet another figment of my imagination.

Danielle: I would like to thank you for being supportive of this idea of mine for so long and taking the time out to learn your ever so long lines and even making Aloy learn his. I also thank you for trying hard even though you were feeling ill and always paying attention to what I have to say every time i thought i had something to say.

Aloy: I thank you for being willing to take this role even though it was pretty challenging with all the invisible wall hitting and all. I am very thankful too for your willingness to act topless. Many, including myself, would have chosen not to, but you stepped up to the plate, swung the bat and got yourself a home run. I thank you.

Amanda: You were lup sup suey when you were acting.. I could tell! Haha! My cantonese friend! Thank you for being a convincing sleeping beauty. You took that role in your stride and made it look easy to fall asleep while talking to others. Great work! I know the lines I gave you were very complex but I am thankful that you were able to not only get the message across as seen by the audience's reaction but also brought out the essence of my version of the Sleeping Beauty.

Lionel: My salutations to the Captain. Even though at first there were some jitters, you not only in the end pulled through but also excelled. I know you must have worked hard for this. I also thank you for your PSP and your willingness to make a fool out of youself for the sake of the play. Between you and me, the teachers had you on their sights for the award for Best Actor. So kudos!

Nina: Thanks for working on the role of Peter Pan at such a short notice. I think you did it well. I liked your costume design. It was nice and though you were pressured by time and myself to deliver the role of Peter Pan properly, you did well by all accounts as the audience did understand the points that i wanted to make through your character. Thanks!

Kaiwen: When i penned your character, he was simply just an extra. Just a mere puppet to the progenitor that is within me. However, what you did with it was amazing. You actually helped me to develop Smee as a character and that i truly appreciate. Also, you worked tirelessly with Elaine and Kathleen on making the props and the end products were absolutely beautiful. Thanks!

Esther: Thanks for being patient with my style of narration. I know it can be tough sometimes trying to get thing in sync with what's happening on the stage and stuff. You did the role well and i thank you for that. Without coherent narrating, the whole play would have been in a disarray and the audience would not have been able to understand what the play was all about.

Kathleen: Thanks for not only being my narrator but also the one to help paint and design our props. And many would not know this, but i would like to thank you for helping me develop the script and spurring me on to complete it when i was short of ideas during the time we spent in detention. Like Esther, you too did your role as narrator well and without that, the impact of the play would not have been as much as i had expected. Thanks!

Victoria: Thanks for volunteering to play so many different characters like Gay-Boy Lim and the baker. These characters had little or no lines at all, but you pulled it off nonetheless and was able to develop the characters at your own accord. I thank you.

Elaine: I want to thank you for helping out with the props. If you didn't help out, the props would not have been completed in time. I apologize for putting too much pressure on you to act out the role of Peter Pan. It was entirely my fault for not being patient enough. I thank you also for helping out with the rehearsals and helping out with the Greek chorus part. Thanks.

Shak: Thanks for being game enough to do the role of Danielle's non-existant mother. You did the role well especially with your vocalization of labour pains. It was absolutely great especially when it was done in conjunction with the silhouette of Danielle's head going out and coming in out of your legs. It sure did bring laughter to the audience. Thanks!

Umar: Hey there! Thanks for being willing to help out as an extra and being so meticulous with how you want Syaza to slap you. Don't fret, everybody found that scene to be absolutely believable. Especially with that tight slap she gave you. That was absolutely hardcore. Thanks!

Malwin: Thanks for being game about being a sperm and doing that jig of yours. Everybody found it to be humorous and funny. You did well as a sperm as the audience got the picture that i wanted them to see with the whole act. Thanks!

Jovi: Thanks for agreeing to be another sperm and letting Malwin push you and your really cool way of tumbling over. I appreciate it! You worked well with Cong Han to help get the whole idea of the scene across to the audience.

Cong Han: Hello there my Birthday twin. Thanks for agreeing to be the other sperm alongside Malwin and Jovi. You worked well with Jovi to help get the whole idea of the scene across to the audience.

Kenton: Thanks for being my tech man and helping out with the moving in and out of the props even though you were out of school for so long and was not up to date with the whole play. I mean, you even took down last minute notes to ensure that things would not go wrong and in the end you did your part really well and I thank you for that.

Syaza: I thank you for listening to Umar and slapping him as hard as he asked you too. I also thank you for agreeing to work with me on this play even though your role seemed to be small in nature. However, my play is about the small things in life that makes the big picture and if you had not slapped Umar with such great effect, the point would have been lost. Thanks for helping out with the make up too.

Roo-sell: You're definitely hardcore man. The whole Bruce Lee thing was pure genius! Thanks for being my assistant director and helping me out to settle matters when i got too busy. Thanks to listening to me rant on and on about how the play should be like and sorts. You saw me come up with the play in its original form and you helped me produce the product that was [After] Ever After. Thanks! I look forward to producing Ever After: Revisiting Bruce Lee and Enter Ever After: Bruce Lee Style with you dude! Broadway IS the way.

Keith: Dude.. Thanks for being patient with my technical complaints and like changing the soundtrack three times. Thanks for being ok with my rejecting your ideas and advice. And thanks for constantly reminding me of how the video thing was near impossible with the resources that we had. I know you were under a great load of pressure to get the lighting and sound right. And i truly appreciate it. Thanks! You did good man.

Khai: Thanks for being involved in this whole thing even though you did not need to cause you had your other responsibilities as chairperson of the English society. I appreciate it. Thanks for also helping me teach some of the actors how they were supposed to portray their characters. Your helpful insights helped us achieve the production of the play.

Carrie: Thanks for helping me look out for kinks in the production of the play even though you were not able to attend the actual staging of the play. Thanks! I hope you get your powerbook soon enough.

Jiesi: Thanks for helping Keith and me on the soundtrack and also helping me do the whole Greek chorus part of the production. I thank you for your input as it made the play more dynamic and thus leaving a greater impact upon the audiences. I thank you for that.

Hui Shan: I don't actually know how to spell your name. I hope i've gotten it right. Thanks for being game enough to attract attention to yourself and then make yourself the laughing stock of the LT when you fell dramatically at the front of the LT. Fantastic.

Nisha: Thanks for helping out with the backstage. And also covering for Umar when he wasn't around for the rehearsal at one point of time. Thanks!

Aini: Thanks for agreeing to act and all even though it was kind of last minute and that you were unaware of your involvement beforehand. I appreciate it nonetheless and i apologize for being too bullish about how i want things to be done. Thanks for being patient with my directorial demands even though you were not in the wrong.

My Wuddles: Thanks Wuddles for being patient with me and listening to me rant on and on about what the play should be like and my ideas of what should be in the play and sorts. Thanks also to you for asking me to relax and not be so worked up over the play. Thanks to also also to you for being my sparring partner in our discussions on existentialism that has inspired me in part to write this play. Thanks for being there by my side when I get too caught up with my work on the script! I hope you've enjoyed watching the play come to life! Thank you Wuddles! I love you!

It ended, just the way it has always ended. With another whisper added to the wind of consciousness of Ever After. If you guys did not know it already, the characters that you guys portrayed have already gone on to Ever After as I've ended their story. Now their out of the grasps of the GRAND PROGENITOR that so loves to mock them. In all, i would like to thank all of you guys for helping me achieve my dreams of putting [After] Ever After on stage.

Ever After could possibly be the first and last of any of my works to be produced. And i hope that you guys have enjoyed playing it out just as much as i did penning it down. Thanks!

2005-10-12T06:01:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when I'm driving in my car
I wish that you could take the wheel
But you're not there, It's so unfair
What if I hit that dog again?

Sometimes when I'm lying in my bed
I let these voices in my head
Influence me, to some degree
Now I'm not sure of anything

I wish you knew what I was thinking of
(Can't believe what I've been thinking of)

They told me to breathe
They told me to lie down
I figured it out, you're one in a million
Cuz I'm writing the words down
I figure my chances are one in a million

And I don't know why,
and I don't know where to begin

Sometimes when I'm running out of cash
I'll jump a taxi in a flash
I know it's wrong his light was on
And I just had to get to you

Sometimes when I'm talking on the phone
I get advice from the dial tone
It's nothing new
And I'm confused, I know I'm losing my mind

A quick blog before I go and take my place in the bathroom. I love my Sayang and not in the gay boy band kinda way I just want her to know that she's my one in 6 billion. *Huggy! Love you Wuddles!

Results are out already, though not all of them. On Monday, Dore was still feverishly marking some of the Lit scripts. And his paper was one of the first to be tested.. So this might take some time. But i'd expect all the results to be out by the end of this week. And the fate of many will also be decided along with it. I passed History. Well.. I got 14.85 out of 30. So i'm not really sure if that's a pass yet or not. But of course, I'm kinda disappointed with the marks. But a pass is nonetheless a pass and i should be thankful as it is better compared to the rest of the cohort's.

I hope that everyone gets the grades that they need.

This Friday is Drama Fest. Another thing to worry about. My first ever play [After] Ever After is going to be staged by my very own class. So that's something. If things turn out to be really really cool and the reception to the whole play is well received, I might actually consider writing out another play. The short story is still on hold as i'm still working out the plot! haha! But of course it is the least of my worries. My actors have yet to memorised the script given to them ages ago. And some of them are requesting that i cut down on the script. In my mind, i'm upset. Given full creative space, I would have wanted the play to be longer than it is right now. But of course, that is not possible. Thus, cutting the play even more is going to be really tough as it is, i'm afraid that the essence of the play is not being brought out. So that's another worry of mine.

It's frustrating. i have the biggest pool of people to utilise for this production but i just can't seem to use them at all. They're like dead weight. I'm especially upset with Stephanie. I know the rest are trying really really hard. And the last thing i want to do is vent out my frustration on them. Last thing i want to do. I want this production to be successful in every sense of that word. Props need to be done. Amendments need to be made. So many, too many. I'm dead.

You're offering me the answer, but i'm spinning out of control.

2005-10-09T10:28:00.000+08:00

Jon's Guide To Dating For Guys

1. Do not be yourself.

Unless you're some superstar or some hot model or whatever, never ever 'just be yourself'. Since when has being yourself ever got you anywhere? The thing about the whole 'if she loves me she'll accept me for who I am' is that she doesn't love you. Not yet at least. So you got to go out there and become somebody that she'll be attracted to and eventually fall in love with. THEN, if she really, really loves you, she'll accept you for who you are.

2. Do not try to be someone you're not.

This might sound contradictory to the first rule but what I mean by this is that while not being yourself, don't try to be someone that you're not. This is hardcore shit man and that means it's important. You don't want to be called a fraud and above all a loser. Like if you're really a nerd, don't try pass yourself off as a jock just so that you can snag that cheerleader girl. Just stop being a nerd and start being an intelligent guy. That's all to it.

3. It's all about chemistry.

If she turns you on, then that's good. Use it to your advantage. It's all about chemistry. Pheromones to be exact. Pheromones are chemicals emitted by living organisms to send messages to individuals of the same species. And these messages are of attraction. It's ok if you start thinking of naughty liaisons with her, it'll get those glands working and emitting those pheromones and before you know it, the chemistry is already there.

4. Stop at those thoughts.

I said it was ok to think about it. Doesn't mean that it'll be ok for you to try to get it on. Cause it's ok to use those thoughts to your advantage and like emit those pheromones to like attract her. That's called sexy. That means you're literally oozing sex appeal. HOWEVER, if you keep thinking about it and you think that you're going to get lucky, that's called rape. Women like men that they find sexy (personal preferences apply), women do not like sex pervs.

5. I think we should talk.

When she says I think we should talk, what she really means is I think I should talk. Women don't want to hear your stories. Cause most of the times, your stories are either sob stories, egoistical flashbacks or things that only you would find interesting. So let her do the talking. And you listen good cause unless you end up with a woman who loves to repeat herself cause she's told the same story to about a million people and now can't remember who she has told the story to, most woman will remember if they have told you about something. So listen good for some pointers into her heart. This is really the time for you to get to know her better. You don't wanna be asking about her parents when she already told her that they're dead.

6. I said listen, not observe.

Listen to her. Concentrate on her eyes. No use trying to seduce her with your eyes. And stop undressing her too. And don't let your eyes wander too. Her eyes dammit. And don't be cutting her halfway and saying that she's got beautiful eyes. And try your damnest not to look at her breasts. I know it's hard. It's only natural. Breasts are designed by nature such that they are made of 3 concentric circles. Take a piece of paper and draw a breast with three concentric circles. Now you've got a bull's eye. Then you multiply it by two. Now you've got two bull's eyes for your two eyes to focus on. But salvation is at hand. Her eyes are also made up of concentric circles. So why don't you try looking at her eyes instead?

7. You can't be listening all the time.

Women like responses from their men. And responses like, 'Hmm.. anything?' just don't make the cut. See, this is where the listening part comes in, at least now you've got some contextual knowledge to work with. If she already told you that she had a freaky dining experience with fried chicken, you wouldn't want to suggest KFC as a good place to eat. And if you had already listened, you'd be in a better position to actually hold a conversation with her. This is where the women usually size you up. Whether you're boring or interesting, indecisive or organised, sexy or horny. So listen well, and reply well too.

8. It's a jungle out there.

Law of the jungle dictates that only the fittest shall survive. And it's a jungle out there. It is by instinct that a woman should go for a man that to her has a good stock of genes. It also applies for men too. But, salvation is at hand. Here's a tip. Instead of saying that you're a sports fan. Try saying that you're a sports enthusiast. Saying that you're a sports fan probably means that you're a couch potato who enjoys coaching your favourite team long distance via cable TV. Saying that you're a sports enthusiast would mean that you watch your favourite team on cable TV and barking orders to them cause of your zest for sports. There's a difference here. Sports fan means your idea of sports is to just watch. Sports enthusiast means your idea of sports is to watch, learn and apply. Doesn't matter if you're really not a sports enthusiast. But it sure does look better on your CV right?

9. Allo, allo.

If you're going to call her. Hold on to your horses. There should be a gap in between calls. Usually two to three days are fine. That means, if you already called her on the 5th of the month, wait till it's the 7th or 8th before making that call again. You have to let the excitement build. Cause if you keep on calling her day after day, she's gonna be drained and start thinking of you as a stalker. And she will tell that to all her friends. And now you become a pariah. So stop defeating yourself and make some amends.

10. Ring, ring.

If you're going to call her, write down what you're going to talk about. Make a plan. At least you're not going to end up sounding like an idiot with your 'Er...ar...'. And be conscious of your words and don't get too excited. Regulate your breathing. Regulating your breathing while you're on the phone might just make you come across as a sexy guy with a sexy voice to boot. BUT, do not breathe into the phone like a damned grizzly bear will you? Nobody wants to hear you breathing down the telephone. So, don't. And remember your telephone etiquette. No pissing, shitting or shouting when you're on the phone that is. And apologise after you've put her on hold cause of an incoming call. And if an incoming call is coming, pick it up. Hearing that dial tone in the background might irritate her. And if you say you're gonna call back, call back.
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Alright people, right now I've stopped at 10. But do not worry, I will include the rest soon enough. Work on these 10 first and give me some feedback so that I can produce a better approach. I'm not saying that these do not work. In reality they really do that's why I'm explaining them to you, but if we can improve on it, then why not? Anyways, this was written with my tongue in my cheek and so I hope nobody thinks i'm trying to be a chauvinist here, though I am trying to give some fairness in the playing field here. And some of these tips, can also be applied by women to snag their dream men~! It just takes a little tweaking. Maybe i shall work on that soon enough? Till then, this is Johnny Jon Jon.

*Johnny Jon Jon is the alter ego of the author and in no way represents what he truly feels. At least not all of it. Any attempts to sue him will only be replied with a no such person mail. And i apologise on Jon's behalf too.

2005-10-08T06:06:00.000+08:00

I don't get it. Why does everybody like to say that they like to get stoned. If you live in Amsterdam or any where else where it's easy to get pot then it doesn't really matter now does it? Ask them to describe stoning to you, and they say, 'Oh you know, that feeling you get when you just zone out.' Well... yeah... It's called zoning out. Or day dreaming. Stoned. Stoning. What the? You just like to daydream that's all.

At least that isn't so bad. There was this guy who wrote something along the lines of 'we are stroked to have him with us...'. It's supposed to be Stoked. Not unless he really did stroked you guys or something. Ok i have no idea what i am ranting about here. But just something that i thought maybe i could type about.

I'm bored. Really, i am. I have nothing much to do right now. Still waiting anxiously for Bleach episode 52&53 to be subbed. Hmm, i wanna join Kendo! really! I do! But the training centre is so far away. It's in Changi! However, NUS has kendo offered as one of its CCA. So if i ever enrol into NUS, that's one sport that i wanna try out. Kendo! Maybe i should work on a song or two. Or maybe i should just sleep. Let's see what fate has in store for me.

2005-10-08T04:45:00.000+08:00

The skies could fall tonight and i know that i'd be safe from harm within your arms.

2005-10-08T00:24:00.000+08:00

I do not know why i am online. I was playing Zoo Tycoon quite well until I decided to place a camel into the exhibit named Lions of Kalahari. And before i knew it, the computer just couldn't take all the violence that I was inciting and decided to quit the program. So now I'm online. And i still do not know why i am online.

2005-10-07T00:56:00.000+08:00

Exams are over. It's the second day into Ramadhan. I still feel stressed over the exams. This time, over the results. Worried. I have to pass. I just have to. Have to. I just have to. The waiting part is unbearable. It truly is. Unbearable.

But life goes on.

2005-10-01T18:15:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was such a rush. I wrote in total 3 new songs! Such a rush! And therefore, curently, i'm looking for a singer guitarist to work with. Actually, i'm more of like waiting for anyone to look for me. Cause there are songs that i write, that i dream about, that i sing out loud that will never ever make it to a full band. At least with ArPee. I feel that as part of my anything policy, that i should cut down on all of my contributions to the band. In fact, the only contribution that i shall make is my playing the bass. That's what i feel. It's useless when every attempt at a contribution is seen as too much. Maybe it has been too much. So must tone down. Everything must be simple. So anything.

However, even though i am currently looking or rather waiting for someone who wants to collab with me on some materials, i do strongly feel that I won't be up to it! Haha! Strange. But i do know that it is something that i strongly want. Just do not have the courage to reach out for it. The aim is simple, to explore myself and my inner workings and to not be restricted. I mean, in terms of contribution. That's it. But i will see how things go from then on. Cause if i make it thru the exams, i wanna do Kendo!! Fuiya! Must ask Rusydi where i can participate! Ok.. I'm off. Need to go off and study. Maybe the next post i'll post one of the lyrics. It's really nothing. It's not something that will like make it to the pop charts or anything. But it's everything to me that has been denied of existence.

2005-09-28T17:06:00.000+08:00

Nobody knows who they really are,
Everybody's looking for it in the stars.
Listening hard to a silent shooting star,
With closed eyes, for that distant goodbye.

Just a random rant to ease my suffering. i'm thinking of writing a novel. Hmm.. or maybe a screenplay. I guess the whole Dramafest thing has managed to reignite that burning passion in me! I wanted to do it when i was in Sec 4. To write a screenplay. But i just dropped it. But now that i'm going to get to see my play, [After] Ever After, on stage, it's back! I'm also the director of the play. It's so exciting!

So right now, i'm gathering new ideas of what my new work would look like. It'd be cool don't you think? It is! But for now.. history.. That's it for today.

Closure

2005-09-26T00:58:00.000+08:00

This is it. Closure. Now i know for a fact that there are people actually reading my blog. Oh boy. Such great fun. However, before things get out of hand with people taking my words here out of context or me taking their words out of context it's time to bring this to a close.

If you are those few who read my previous posts and felt the angst in it, then thank you for reading them. However, as some of you might have seen from the latest post, things have changed. I've had a good talk with Ihsan and most importantly with myself. I realised that when as an individual, your thoughts, words and ideas bring conflict, it is best that one melds with the crowd and become an absolute nobody per se. In other words, i've adopted or at least is trying very hard to adopt an 'anything' attitude. That is to say that given a question or an idea, i will accept it with the idea that no conflict can arise with this. It's hard believe me. It's really hard. I'm so used to being heard. However, i feel much more relieved per se. No need to worry about getting my opinions across. No need to worry about getting things done. Maybe this will never get anything done. But anything. I think it's clear now to me. That this thing, isn't exactly a concern of mine to begin with. If things work out then good. If they don't, never meant to anyways. If in the first place nobody really bothered or cared, why should i worry myself about bothering and in the end create tension and conflict?

So within, this blog, i shall also extend my apologies and once again, plunge this blog into zero readership as people move on with their lives knowing that the conflict here has been resolved. (I hope so it will.)

My apologies first of all to Isaac and Geraldine. Both of you do not deserve this. I hope that better things will come our way and we can all get over this thing.

My apologies to Louis. I will put it into my head that i shall listen always and will not find it in the best of interests to say my opinions when it is obviously destructive. I'm also sorry that you've had to put up with me for the past two years. I am not in the position to say that I can understand how you feel, but i offer you my deepest condolences and hope for better things yet. Even though, i was and still is angry at you for keeping to yourself what you felt, i thank you nonetheless for staying put and hoping for better things to come.

My apologies to Ihsan. I am sorry man that you are in this shit man. I mean, all that you ever wanted was to just make music right? Yeah, i hope that with this attempt at closure we can continue to do just that. Make music. I thank you for listening to me and giving me sound advise and telling me what you feel about things. Things must have been unfair to you and I do hope that such a thing will never ever happen again.

My apologies also to that girl i rejected. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to. I wish I wasn't so blunt, so straightfoward. Wish I came up with a better answer. I completely, completely didn't consider about your feelings. I mean, That was such a harmless gesture, but I had to be a total JERK about it. The least I could do was to cushion the pain. I SO didn't even try. If you were that girl and by any super-slim chance you came upon this. I am truly sorry. Was in a rush and had to leave the supermarket. I must have been a total jerk for rejecting your offer to let me try that Vitagen sample. Next time, I won't do it again.

Oh ya, but please not Vitagen can. Go request to do for Nutrisoy, I like Nutrisoy better. Worse come to worst, Fortune lor.

2005-09-25T14:52:00.000+08:00

Anything man.. If it makes everyone happy, then fine by me. Anything.

2005-09-24T05:48:00.000+08:00

It's 5.48 in the morning. I just woke up. I do not know for how long i've slept. Pretty long it must be. Pretty long... I wake up from dreams to another set of dreams. A neverending chain of devices that one can't seem to make out. I'm just a single voice, I can't do anything. I received a message saying that there's going to be a chalet for 203. Pretty excited about that. Hang out with old friends.

How much time do we exactly have to continue with this? Before long, we will burn out. Burn out from not ever achieving the goal. Sure, it takes time doesn't it? But it takes pace too. You can take forever and still not achieve anything. By the time we reach a certain age, we have our responsibilities. Even more of those. When that comes, I'm not sure if anything will come out of this. Sure, maybe the word here is not sure. But are you even sure that anything will come out of this. When you're bogged down by even more responsibilities? Even now, we have responsibilities that outweigh the band on the priority list. What is there to say that 4 years from now that the situation will get better? We'd like to believe that it will, but things will never change if we never put it into our minds that things have to change and then to take action. Same here. You wanted things to change. You then put it into your mind that things have to change. But you failed to take action to make that change.

Maybe it's better that we live down here. That's the kind of mentality that will never get anywhere. No offence, but isn't that kind of defeatist? I mean, i agree to an extent that yeah, it's better that we live down here. BUT for a while only. It's like saying, 'Hey since we're not getting anywhere right now, maybe it's better that we live down here? Let's just wait for something to happen?'. It's like the coach tells the team to go out there and win the league so that we'll gain promotion, and the team says that 'Look here coach, we'd like to stay down here if you don't mind. We like it down here.'. Maybe that's it, the disparity in mentality. Anyways, anonymous, what I meant by my profile is that I get to explore myself. As in the object of exploration is myself. That is to say that i'm both the subject and object. Yeap, that's what i meant by that.

Anyways, the pun was intended. It's supposed to be ended with incredulous idiots. Anyways, realistically, it is possible. I mean, learning to forgive and forget does not have to mean that i've forgiven and forgotten. So yeap, that's prac crit 101 for you. You have to understand the writer's intention.

Later i have class. Damn. I dun understand why we're supposed to have 3 papers for Lit instead of 2. I mean... it's tough ar. A continuous stream of exams. I guess, i shall start learning Lit soon. Right after i get my laptop back from Ihsan. All my notes and ebooks are in there. And i kinda like reading off the laptop. Luckily next week i do not need to come to school to study. It's like awesome. History has been tough, i read and read and it all doesn't seem to make sense. But i have to do it. Read. Study! Realised that i have to study for SEA History as well. Damn.. An Egalitarian society just doesn't happen. As intended by nature, some will prevail and some will falter.

By learning pain, you can learn to be kind to others.

You, who have felt so much pain and sadness,
Don't say words like you can't smile or you hate people.
How could I, who have felt so little,
Say words like I can't smile and that I hate people.

Things will change,
Even though you can't see anything right now.
Every thing that you can't see,
Have a deeper meaning imbedded within.

2005-09-22T22:05:00.000+08:00

After what has happened.. I wish I know right now what is it that I'm feeling right now. Bung-knifed. Keyword. Upset. Disappointed. Angry. A part of me says that I should lash back out at them. A part of me says that let it pass. Let it pass. Let it pass. Let it pass. But what's done is done.

How could they? Put up the pretense for 2 years. I'm sure they found some way cause they did just that. Put up a facade for 2 years. I should congratulate them no doubt. They said that it's something that they finally couldn't take anymore. Just needed to let go. To kaboom! But.. if it's so big an issue until it affects the band on the bigger scale, shouldn't they have taken the iniative to just tell me? Or maybe tell Ihsan. It's unfair to me. Just plain unfair.

About the blog site. I feel so disgusted by his words. It's plain ridiculous. Says that many feel that it comes across as we think we're big shots, made it, top dog kinda thing. It's just plain fucked up. Uses the word majority when it applies only to few. Criticises it when actually, he gave the go ahead for it. Says that he likes it. I dunno. Just confuses me. I mean, in no way did i try to get whatever fucking message it is that's stuck in his head to the masses. Good blog does not = to good band. Stupid people. Incorrigible bastard. I'm angry. I'm angry. You think you're the only person who's angry? FUCK YOU. FUCK HER TOO. I gave that fucking website my best. If i wanted it to be top notch, i would have made it a flash based one and like not have to use blogger idiot. What kind of break out pop band would still use a blogspot website as a website? It just doesn't make sense. And i'm angry.

The wallpaper. What the fuck is wrong with that man? What is wrong with that? I posted it. We used to post such stuff anyways in the old blog. I mean it's just plain fucked up. I hate this. If people wanted to download it, they can and they will. If they dun want to they dun have to. It wasn't even my piece of work. Is there anything wrong with that piece?

Essentially, a website is a means to diseminate and reach the masses. It has to be attractive. What's the point of us setting up a blogsite if we're going to keep it down low and eye catching? Might as well keep to email. What the fuck is wrong with that? The profile thing.. isn't it even worse? Personal profile. Complete with birthday and email add and what not. Isn't it even worse? And to think you actually said it's ok. I mean... On one hand you say too much publicity, but on the other you agree to something that is a publicity thing? I mean..get real. Just get real. Serious. Just get real.

To be honest, I'm no saint myself. My ideas are sometimes just plain radical. But to me it makes a whole lot of sense and justification then your stupid reasons that doesn't make sense. We need a demo. In order to make our product (music) more mobile, we need it to be able to be distributed. We can't just keep on to old lousy recordings. In order to attract the attention of those that can help us reach our goal, we have to move upward and create better recordings. Unless you think you're the next big thing in rock and roll, and that you don't need a decent demo.. then fine by me. If we record a good demo, it will benefit us too won't it? We can practise with it. We can also improve ourselves. Above all, it will give us a chance and not sell ourselves short. Maybe that's the diff here, i'm a risk taker. You just wanna stay stuck and try your luck.

Two of you laughed at my idea when i said that we should do a demo recording and have it submitted to John from Goldfinger. I mean why not? it's worth a try isn't it? At least we're not selling ourselves short here. We should try. You say that i'm arrogant. I say that you a proud creature urself. Aren't we all? At least i know that i have such a problem. I even try to address it. Unlike the two of you, won't even admit that you have one.

Merchandise. It's an idea that i've been playing around with. Why not? I thought you two were ok with it. Even said that at least now you guys can get more shirts to wear. But now why arrow it at me and say that it's all wrong? Why? Why? Would it kill to try? Nothing's wrong with it. Nothing's wrong with it.

I think i've said enough. I just feel that the both of you are idiots. But thanks anyways for bung-knifing me. Being bung-knifed has never felt so good. Hey, if it makes you two feel fucking good about yourselves, i cried about this you know? yeap.. i cried. So yeah.. doesn't it just gratifies you to know that you made the proud Ari cry? Glad that at least i'm of some use to you. I'm so angry. But i will let it pass. Learn to forgive and forget. that's what they say. I shall learn to forgive and forget. Incredulous idiots.

[SMP] I'd Rather Dance With You

2005-09-20T00:36:00.000+08:00

Ok taking time off from my history and literature assignment to blog. Stressed. It's the new design. What do you guys think of it? Ok... I know that's a bit unrealistic. Cause in the first place nobody ever visits this site. With the exceptional few. I dun blog much, only when it's needed i suppose. So what's been happening? Hmm... Promos. Well not really. It's going to happen. I'm kinda fritzed out by it. Nervous. But panic systems hasn't really kicked into overdrive. No matter how hard i try, still taking it easy. That's kinda fucked up. Oh well.

So let me see... anything interesting developments? Hmm.. Well, two days ago i was out with Mint and then we decided to dispose of a bowling/cannon ball into the dustbin. Man.. I can just imagine when the guy tries to lift that plastic bag out of the bin. It's gonna be tough i tell you. The ball will probably tear the bag anyways. Ok, we're mean. But hey, there's satisfaction to be gained here. And the social cost of letting that ball lie around was way too high. What if some boy uses it to break the glass panels at the bus-stop? Or like rolled it to the middle of the road? An accident could happen you know?

Anyways, the band is back in action. New members. But just as tight that i must say. I'm gleefully surprised actually that the band could be just as tight even though two of the members are like new and all. So that's amazing. The new members are Geraldine and Isaac. Isaac i know. He's like a big fan of ours per se. He's been to quite a number of our shows. He was like stoked to be part of the band. Geraldine is new i suppose. She never heard of us before i suppose. It just shows that different bands hold different spheres of influence within the scene itself? She kinda raves over and over about Summer's Over. I dunno about that. I think on one hand, it helps that she's enthusiastic and all. On the other, i do hope that because her friends are in Summer's Over, she doesn't like compare us to them and sorts. We're definitely not Summer's Over. Be it in concept or what. We're just not.

I guess that's probably whatever happened with Evelyn and the band i suppose. She was mixing around with people who were like in the scene and all. So maybe her approach was like theirs kinda thing? I dunno.. i'm just speculating here. I just think that ArPee is as it is i suppose. Though individual members do make up ArPee, nobody per se is ArPee? That's why we do not have profiles and sorts. I guess part of it is to show that ArPee is self contained. Emotively ArPee. Distinctively ArPee. We come together to form ArPee. What is important is ArPee. What is less, are the individuals.

[SMP] Tension

2005-09-04T04:38:00.000+08:00

I'm blogging yet again. It's late now. 4.30 in the morning as i start. Been feeling rather upset lately. An unfortunate series of events. Certain things have happened that i do not find the most favourable at all. But of course, there's always a silver lining. It is for the best. I can only hope that a comeback could be made. Writing a song. Inspired. But Sayang said it wasn't nice. So i dropped it. I thought it was nice. Sometimes i wish i could sing you know? Then i could start another project. Just me and a guitar. Or maybe just an acoustic kinda thing you know? just two people with guitars. something like that. And we'd play all those songs that couldn't really be made into a full band song. I always wanted to do that you know? Just acoustics. But of course... i don't like it. I just don't. Just not my type i suppose?

I've come to realise that maybe.. though i hope not, some of my friends have already forgotten me. It's sad but inevitable. I hope that when i die, all of my friends would come for my funeral. There are some friends that i have completely lost touch with. Shafiq is in SP. that's all i know. Khairul is technically my neighbour, he lives a few blocks away. But i don't meet him often nor do we keep up to our promise of playing soccer together again. Colin too. Soccer kakis.. where art thou?

Of course, we move on to secondary school life. Those three were my primary school friends. I miss my secondary 2 class. 203 Total Jammerz!! I still remember the day we came up with that name. The councillor in charge of our class wanted us to like pick a name and sorts. The first thing Aziz said was Total Jammerz. I obviously thought it was kind of ridiculous. Total Jammerz? What was that supposed to mean? Strawberry? Blueberry? What? Now we're some kind of jam factory? - Yeap.. those were what i blurted out to the loud and rapturous laughter of the class. Of course.. the name stuck on and under that name we had so many adventures!! We won the Cheering Comp, Singing Comp. That's like major! Hahaz! Of course there are also downs. We had arguments but always resolved them. There was this once, for no reason, both me and Nafis got into a big fight! We were both so furious! So angry! But we can't really remember why. Hahaz.. just for that i got sent to counselling. Oh well.. shit happens you know? Oh yeah.. There was this time i got sent for counselling for throwing paperballs in class. It turned into a full on paper ball war! It was great fun and i have no idea why i was sent for counselling. The teacher probably thought that it would cause papercuts. i mean...that's bullshit.. but some teachers are like that. I can't possibly write down here all that happened. But someday i will i suppose. How i miss them..

Upper sec.. we got seperated. I was the only 203 guy in a totally foreign class. It was weird you know? I didn't know what to do? I guess it kinda went downhill down there. i just lost myself. My identity. Until now i still long to be the kind of guy i was in sec 2 you know? Confident, without a care! But shit happens! And some people run and some people don't. I'm just glad that i didn't. cause then now i have Push and Ape. We had alot of fun you know? shooting hoops and all. too bad that we only got to know each othe better late in our sec 4 year. but it was all good. All good. Now we can't really hang out together. Push serving time in PJ while I'm in JJ. Then there's Ape in SP. This monday though i hope we'll be able to meet. So yeap.that's that.

I'm pretty sleepy now. Lazy to write. but yeah it has been therapeutic to write down stuff. i am sad. depressed. and i can't pinpoint the cause. but i suppose the fact that i'm writing about friendship means that it is one of the causes. The good ol days.

[SMP] Act of Depression

2005-09-02T04:39:00.000+08:00

I hate you. I do. I hate you. I think it's all a manipulative act by you. It has to be. It must be. I hate you. You have your reasons to do what you did. But why the pretense? I hate you. You've ruined everything. I hate you. You said everything was ok. We've got problems. So does everyone else. But why do you have to do that? I hate you. Someday i will forgive you. But i hope that someday never comes. I hate you. And it's all because of him. It's all because of him. Asshole. But maybe it's not all his fault. People change. They always do. Some for good and some for bad. You went the worst way. I hate you. I really do. I hate you. For all the pretense. For everything. For thinking more about yourself above everything else. I hate you. I hate you. I'm glad you're gone. I'm glad. Maybe this is the break that we need. You're such a hindrance. I hate you.

[SMP] Some Seek Forgiveness, I Escape

2005-08-22T21:30:00.000+08:00

Another post. It's been a while. No matter how i tell myself that i should do this mor often i suppose i won't ever will. I guess blogging it all is kinda therapeutic but then again, I am content sometimes. I know i'm in shit and i guess there's nothing that i can do about it. Just get by. Oh well...

Today as I sat in class, the sudden realization that I'm sad suddenly just sunk in. Even though i did well for the first term results, I dun think i did so well in the second term results. And if anything, i would have to go all out for the promos again. Oh well, goals have not been achieved. And some are better unachieved. But, i'm ok with it.

Today, there was this sexuality talk and of course we had to break into groups and sorts. So it's like that. So Victoria got like drafted into our group and the sorts. She's the kind who gets offended at sexually explicit talk and stuff like that. There's a group of girls in my class that do. I guess it's the whole Christian doctrine that they strictly abide to. The whole holier than thou infidels. So like anyways, I played it safe by venturing safe answers to questions like 'What are the different kinds of Public Display of Affection that you've seen?'. We came up with a list that consists of kissing, hugging and holding hands.. and WINKING! How creative eh? But i can't help it i suppose. It's stifling not being able to be open.

Being open. Why so uptight? Why so uptight? Why so uptight? I'm in a band. Called ArPee. Yes, that band called ArPee. Aisen and I share writing duties of songs. Ok before i go on any further this is my blog. So i'll say what i'm feeling right now. So anyways, both of us share writing duties in terms of the material that actually end up on the stage. But i get really upset to know that most people think that the songs can't possibly come from both of us. Even more so of course when they can't believe that is from me. but that's me of course. i suppose, they would suppose that the singer usually writes the song and all. I suppose, Evelyn knows my current disposition and she does during shows expect me to actually explain the intended meaning or the inspiration of Nine of Hearts. Of course many would be surprised that i actually wrote and composed Interstellar Love Song. How is it even possible right? that the lame sub par bassist actually wrote that song?

I do not know why i feel that way. I suppose that on an individual level, i have this longing to be appreciated. Egocentric some might say, but i suppose, it's something that i'm sure everybody yearns for their work. To be honest, nobody ever remembers me from shows. Yes, they've got the guitar throwing Aisen, the eye-candy in Evelyn and the gut busting Louis. I mean these three guys go on stage and they've got things going for them. I've got nothing to do! The bass player always has nothing to do. Nobody ever remembers the bass player unless he sings or plays solos here and there kinda thing. I don't do solos. I can't sing. I just write songs and i hope that they strike a chord in people and i hope that they would love it. And of course, some make the cut and others don't. But when it comes to the stage, what can i do but just play my role and shut up? Oh well, and being the fool really helps it you know? being able to be the one who draws flak. It's simple. Self gratification. all i need to do is just have people chant after me. I just need to say 'Blow' and they say 'Job'. And i get a rush you know from it? From actually knowing that the crowd responses! Even more so knowing that hey, at least they go home remembering that some bassist guy asked me to say 'Job' everytime he says 'Blow'. It's cool dun you think? It is to me. Of course there will always be 'detractors' saying it's Lame. But, it's something. Part of ArPee i suppose. Artistic license. As long as people chant after me, you know it's not as lame as it is.

But Ari! What about your image and what not? what image?!!! haha! Playing the fool is so much gratifying. Knowing that it illicits responses is a bonus too. At least I know that you people come to our show more than just to catch eye candy. I have to go and eat now though. Oh well, shall leave it as it is then.

I thank the blog for this chance that i have received to vent my frustrations. I thank the blog for letting me escape while others would seek forgiveness.

[SMP] It's Settled

2005-07-14T02:15:00.000+08:00

what sheer audacity. i apologised to you twice already. and you insisted that i didn't apologise to you. what the fuck is this? do i have to kowtow to you? guess we now know who the egoistic person here is. you are. you only apologised because i said that the band deserved an apology. but for all i know, you probably thought otherwise, that the band didn't deserve any.

but it's settled now. i've done everything i can on my part. apologised to you. all that i can. to me it's settled already. you can continue to whine, bitch and moan about it, but it's settled. if you got a fucking problem, settle it with yourself. it's settled.

[SMP] You've Been Warned

2005-07-08T00:20:00.000+08:00

I guess it's something that is unpredictable but sooner or later bound to happen. I've decided for myself that it'd be best if i form a side project right now. Nothing's wrong with ArPee. Nothing is. I just felt like reinventing myself you know? Or rather to just explore within myself. Currently the lineup is

Ari on Bass
Aisen on Drums
Donna on Guitars
Felice (not sure about her name)

Yeap, Aisen is the guitarist of ArPee. We're all trying out. Sometimes it's good to simply redefine yourself. esp when you realise that sometimes, people change. And you can do nuts about it. You can't make the person change for you just so that everything is fine and dandy on your side but not on the other party's. Change happens and it is inevitable. I must learn to embrace it. Maybe things would work out eh? maybe i would learn new stuff from the other band and things would go fine and dandy. I'm really not sure. what will be will be. goodnight people. Even though i know that you're not there. Goodnight.

[SMP] Mandate of Heaven

2005-06-28T00:51:00.000+08:00

I'm supposed to be doing my work right now. It's almost done. One more paragraph. I've got lots of insect bites on my left hand. Everything is as it is. Muddled. Yesterday's performance at East Coast Park was definitely atrocious. Without a doubt. It was one of the worst ones. I had more fun playing at our first gig. The crowd was better then. the equipment were to. Oh well, just my luck i suppose. But yesterday's auditions were good i suppose. The comments were encouraging indeed!

I dun feel encouraged that much though this week. feelings of discouragement. Oh well.. i dun feel like writing anymore. hahaz. back to work then. more writing!

[SMP] Burn Motherfucker Burn

2005-06-26T03:44:00.000+08:00

I'm pissed off. So pissed off. It has been eating away at me. Who do you think you are? Just who do you think you are? You are just an outsider. A nobody. If one day you should make it, and we don't, then that's cool. But as for now, it's our time. Let us enjoy that time. Who are you to tell us this and that? What accolades have you won or awarded yourself to be given the right to tell us what we are and who we are? In the end, i don't think any of us here want to be in that fucking rockstar mould that you so worship and talk about. In the end, we'll be ourselves. We have to be. We got to be. It's the only way things are going to work out for us. To be ourselves.

I'm just upset that you have to come along and ruin everything. No. It's not ruined. It still can be salvaged. I refuse to acknowledge your existance. I'm not an escapist. I just believe that I've got enough problems in my hands already. And you're just a fucking irritant. An irritant. yeah, that's what you are. An irritant.

Please, nobody leads ArPee. ArPee is as it is. ArPee is the physical manifestations of ALL of OUR inner workings. Do not take it into your hands and decide where the band goes and does not. We're not your band. We're OUR band.

[SMP] Frankly Mon Cheri, I Don't Give A Damn.

2005-05-30T01:02:00.000+08:00

I thought about talking to her. and it happened. we talked. for awhile.but no matter. my theory has been proven yet again.

[SMP] The 900

2005-05-29T08:44:00.000+08:00

I've been wondering. Most people agree and believe that a man with big palms, nose, ears, eyes, feet and good dancing ought to be well endowed. But i'm just thinking that if a man is supposed to have all these.. he better have a 12 inch penis at least. Cause if not, he's gonna look like Goofy dancing. Yeah.. that's it.. a dancing Goofy. But i'd be damned if it was like scientifically proven that men with big palms, nose, ears, eyes, feet ought to have a big weiner.

We all love big cocks and we cannot lie.

[SMP] Singing It Back

2005-05-18T00:41:00.000+08:00

Touch me now
And i'll be ok
Away from this world
Hidden from its eyes

Ok i'm just updating it cause i've got sometime to update it before i get all sleepy to update it. ok i'm feeling sleepy right now. that's it for my update.

[SMP] I Knoq I've Not Been Honest With You

2005-05-15T03:24:00.000+08:00

There are so many things that i've kept to myself.

Until now, i've yet to save up for that particular fender bass of mine or done any major upgrading on Tobias. It's utterly disappointing on my part. How come i can't save up? What's the matter with me? I shall try to save up more often. i get an increased allowance. So surely i can save up.

I fear that some things might just go wrong for me. Haiz. I give up.

[SMP] The Guy Screaming At The Corner Is Next To Go

2005-05-10T13:39:00.000+08:00

I can almost reach over and wrangle that neck of his. He is irritating the shit out of me. As of late, i've been feeling rather angry. Angry as in rage. As in social rage kind of rage. The kind of rage that makes u want to reach out and just break a person's neck without a care in the world cause you just want the thrill that you get from killing the person. Like today on the bus, i was so disturbed by the apparent sloth of the bus that i feel like just reaching over and end the driver's misery. I shall deliver these fuckers. Ok enough of talk that serves as a way to lose some steam.

So, right now, i'm having my usual break before my literature class. And i honestly dun feel like going for that particular lesson. Tired and lazy. A typical class of mr dore's involves a lot of reading and i fear that i shall fall asleep. i can't follow. so right now i'm stacked with alot of homework that i have yet to clear. i've got maths. i've got history though it's really optional. there are alot of things to be done taht i dun think i want it done. oh well..fuck the system.

so as usual, i'm blardy inspired and feel like writing some songs. but of course most of my thoughts die halfway. so that leaves another thing. so i'm just writing down random stuff and hope to work along with it. the problem here is that i dun exactly have a tune. the tune is essential. it doesn't matter if the end product differs from the tune that i came up with. what's more important is that i get to witness my words and thoughts take flight. i still wanna kill the three cheenas that are playing warcraft. i ought to report them to the school authorities. bust their asses. but...me..being the nice guy that i am..shall..persevere!!

anyways.. i would like to distant myself with the malays. not all i mean. i'm cool with qamarul and zul. but besides that..in my cohort, i'd just like to slip away. oh ya there's halim. but i dun really consider him as a malay cause we converse in english. definitely better. i dun particularly like to converse in malay but now i'm trying. like nowadays, i dun talk to my mom in english anynmore. i talk to her in malay. i call the band, pancaragam! hahaz!! so classik! Black dog bone is coming up with a new album. that ought to be cool right?

Come to think of it, i miss jamming and performing! seriously!! i'm so missing the action of jumping around without a care in the world!! ah!! Even though i have gripes, i am overall very happy with how far ArPee has gotten! it's absolutely wonderful!! and our name is so cool! arpee... cool right? ok given that it is an actual name.. it's cool!! arpee....

So right now, my favourite song is Same Mistake For A Second Chance. Keep listening to it over and over again. I am so enjoying it. It rocks!! Hahaz!! So i am like so totally into it..like woah!! hahaz!! OK why am i like using so many like totally. Ok stop.there was one time i kept listening to Borrowed Time over and over again. Then i listened to Chinatown Circle. And now.. Same Mistake for A Second Chance. I'm trying to just live off a staple of only the band songs. SO yeap.. force myself to be more distinctively arpee.

[SMP] All Deaths Are Certain

2005-05-08T02:50:00.000+08:00

So today i slept away the most of the day. So yeap..that's something. But besides that, i got a call from Evelyn. She says that a reporter from Life would like to do a report on us. And monday ought to be a photoshoot! that is interesting indeed don't you think? Problem is Ihsan is still not back from his American tour! The last i heard from him, he just went to a gig by Underoath! Is that something or what? I believe he's might excited right now. He has to be right? Which Singaporean gets the chance to catch an upcoming band as in like LIVE without paying exorbitant fees? Another first for Ihsan. Which is good for him!

I wish i could go and catch Blink 182 in performance! but i guess not.Not for now that is! So i'm like currently just rotting in Singapore waiting for the next time to perform! Next week we're supposed to practise and work on some new materials. I've written some stuff. the best by far is currently with Ihsan.i hope he hasn't lost it cause i can't remember the other half of the lyrics. I hope he is working on it in the States. oh well.. Trust that he will. So as i was saying, currently i've got a few lyrics in mind, but they are not exactly lyrics, cause firstly, i have no tune. secondly..they are just words out of random. So yeah..not exactly lyrics. oh well.life's like that..

Someday, we'll be together.
Some say, we'll be forever.

[SMP] A Picturesque Funeral Mine Shall Be

2005-05-07T01:22:00.000+08:00

I didn't bring my laptop to school today so i had no chance of blogging in school. really doesn't matter considering that i was busy rushing my gp and the sorts. So here i am at home and it's like one plus in the morning but i just feel like blogging. So i began today by preparing lekor crackers for my Sayang!! Cause today we were going to catch a movie!! In a very long time!! So yeap, and i already promised to prepare her some lekor in a very long time. So there i was early in the morning wearing my protective gear frying lekor. So i was surprisingly early for school! hahaz! So anyways right, school was ok nothing much. But Nina says that we're kinda rising in the local scene cause some of her friends have like heard of us and all. And i think that;s kinda cool!

So after i was like done with my GP we were off to Cathay@Orchard to watch Kingdom of Heaven. But before that, we made a trip to Marks and spencer to load up on some foodstuff! Smugglers we are! So then we settled in to catch Kingdom of Heaven! I was pretty much in awe and i personally thought that it was a great movie with an even greater message. It's message that Muslims and Christians can co-exist together is really something this world should learn from. It has been done before i'm pretty sure it can be done. Why can't we just be friends? The protoganist was absolutely right. Why are we fighting over something that was done centuries ago? THe offended are already dead. And the offenders along with them. We should just make up. Ok my words are losing grasp. I'm sleepy already.

anyways today...as we were walking someone shouted arpee to me. Quite a number of times... and there were these two guys waving and all.. and it's quite cool. That members of arpee are slowly being identified in public. oh well this is it for now. tired. ciao!!

[SMP] The Weaver Who Weaved In Raveloe

2005-05-05T12:18:00.000+08:00

Ok, it's May 5th! Yesterday would be the 4th and 11 months ago, that was when i got together with Sayang! I'm pretty much a happy man! 11 months! Wow... Soon it'll be a year. And approximately 9 more years hopefully I'll be married to her. That would be great now wouldn't it? unfortunately, i couldn't be with her yesterday as i was down for a trip to the BMTC at Tekong Island. BMTC is short for Basic Military Training Course. I didn't exactly enjoy my trip there. It was filled with 'lectures' and of course tours and what not. The highlight i suppose was a blast. Literally. A blast. I stood behind a person firing an anti-tank rocket launcher or something like that and it was totally awesome!! The wind from the launch was totally strong! hard to describe. Then i got a chance at firing a weapon. It was awesome. But of course it was the M-16. Was hoping that i'd get to fire the SAR 21. But it's ok. A rifle is still a rifle. managed one head shot!! I reckon that i was lucky though! hahaz!

So like yeah.. that was yesterday. I'm now sitting in an empty classroom devoid of any human life typing away my blog for these two days. Nothing exciting has happened so far. I dun look forward to maths anymore. I think it's a bane. And it's all because of the teacher. it's all her fault. Oh well.. better luck next time. I do not know whether i'll be able to make it or not. Oh well.. later there's maths. Currently, the class is having some pw consultation. That's pretty cool. I look at the teams and i think Russell's group is kinda ok. But of course for certain groups the dynamics is gonna spell trouble. i would like to see some action!!

I realised that Chronicles of Narnia is pretty long... ok very long. very very long. very very very very long. Cause i'm like reading the whole book. And it's like there are like 600 pages. But then again, i dun find it boring though. Cause it's really interesting and exciting! The Chronicles of Narnia.. that's one book i wanna see made into a movie. That would be awesome! But i'm not sure they ever will. the beauty of it is that the characters change. It's like.. nobody is really the main character here except Aslan. Everybody else gets booted out sometime or another. Even Caspian the Tenth. Even the four high monarchs of Cavel Pair. Nothing really is permanent. That's the beauty of it! but of course, this book was kinda made for kids! and i think it's great cause it makes them stretch their imagination! ok the bell has rung. I believe that i have to go right now. for maths! can you believe it? argh! bleargh! i hope that someday something will be made for me to enjoy it. This has been Ari. Ari out.

[SMP] Paradise Lost

2005-05-03T12:17:00.000+08:00

I've got 10 minutes to blog this blog entry. And i shall blog. It's supposed to be PW class right now but i dun take PW. Not anymore at least. So here i am enjoying the air conditioning in Library Block Class 11. It actually works! After so long, it works! I'm actually amazed. but i'm going to meet my sayang in less than 10 minutes time. So here i go! Blogging. I sure do enjoy the return of my laptop. So now i can blog in school.

Today i had an 'AO' Maths test. And i totally flunked it. I submitted an empty piece of paper. Not because i have an attitude problem but rather because i was frustrated that i couldn't do a single question. Actually i could do two of them. But i rather flunk than not do well at all. Especially after studying for it. I can't see why i could have flunked that paper. But shit happens. And when the shit hits the fan, some people buckle and run and some people stay to face the shit. Well i nearly buckled. I was crying. But i sure as hell didn't run away. i decided to submit the empty piece of paper. I rather get a zero than fail. it's all the same. It's all the same.

I've got training later. but i kinda forgot to bring my spikes. So later i have to rush home, get those darned spikes, keep some of the useless stuff at home and then off i go to training. Ok it's about tiime now. Wow.. ten minutes and this is all i can write? appalling. But of course in between i'm like chatting and sending mail and stuff like that. well this is therapeutic after all. let's just hope i'll be able to committed to this blog.

[SMP] Eutopia, Dystopia, Utopia.

2005-05-03T00:09:00.000+08:00

My laptop is back!! Viva! Now i can use it in school during breaks to do research and also of course to blog and stuff like that! That's totally awesome. Found inspiration for a new song or two. I'm calling it Hurtle. Cause of the hurtling down to earth part. Hahaz! Song writing is really a cool outlet for repressed feelings or emotions. It lets you explore the inner side of you thru the imagery of your imagination or in my case, music videos. hahaz! I base my songs on what the music videos can or should look like! That's like totally awesome right? So now i'm bloggin after such a long absence from it.

Currently listening to Faith of The Heart, sung by Rod Stewart. It's the theme song for Enterprise. That Star Trek series that they have chosen to can even though it's gaining momentum on its storyline and all. Come to think of it, it's been some time since i've caught an episode of star trek. Resistance is futile.

Ok, just a band update on my personal blog that i have only rarely updated. We are done performing at the Plaza Singapura show for the Epilepsy Awareness Week brought by the people at Double Yellow Line. Before our performance, we went to survey the scene by going to watch RAFE. I was looking forward to listening to the band version of their song Everything. It's a really nice song! And it has been so long since i've heard the band version. Unfortunately, i dunno what happened, but i didn't like the band version as much as the acoustic one. So yeah..well but i still absolutely love that song!! hahaz! Absolutely!

So our performance was totally awesome! At least for me it was! Well at least for the band it was! Well, at least for the crowd it was! They were like swaying and tapping to our music. Totally awesome!! I did the whole throwing my bass around me thing twice. Managed to do it once. The other one caused Tobias to fly! Hahaz! And even before the action actually started, tobias kinda dropped onto the stage already. i need straplocks!! I need straplocks!! Straplocks and silver lockets!! A song by My Squared Circle. So anyways, we performed 7 songs. 6 of which were originals and the crowd was like totally receptive to our music! that was totally awesome! I love the crowd that plays along with the band!

So now i'm in the dunno which week of school and tomorrow i'm gonna have myself a maths test. Told myself to study later. After i'm done reading up on Silas Marner and doing history research. I'm beginning to have my confidence waver about literature. Not sure if i can do it. Haiz. It's not a comfort i must say. I'm sure the other students are fairing better than i do. I suck at it. I jsut wanna get my B for that subject and i'm happy. A B for all my subjects and i'm happy. That would allow me to do my S paper. Which will be really great for me. I've thought about it real hard. A scholarship would be great. It would open doors for me. I wouldn't need to restrict myself. And my parents wouldn't have to be worried about the fees. And i can continue studying hard for my papers. What is it again that i wanna be? That i forgot. But all i know is that i wanna be happily married to my sweetheart, Sayang. And work hard for that one year of holidays that she talks about! hahaz! I just want a happy and contented life. That'd be great right? Indeed, that'd be great. I'm totally bored. Ok i'm not sure what to write anymore. maybe this is it then. Shall go back to studying. Though it's a bit unorganised. Oh well.

[SMP] Lamb Chop's Play-A-Long

2005-04-22T02:40:00.000+08:00

This is the first in a few days that i've gotten the opportunity to actually use the computer at home. For the past few days i've been shut off from it. I'm not surprised that it's only at 2.30++ in the morning that i actually got to use it. Oh well, what can i do? Actually, i can actually go down and get myself a charger for that fucking problematic ibook of mine. I could do just that. But i won't. Not now at least. But there are just so many things that i could do with it right now. Like do my research, save money on the printing of my literature texts. Stuff like that.

Lately, been studiously doing my homework. Even did some of the work ahead of time. So that if i had slipped up, i would have covered for it a few days ago. So like it's my safety net. Later in the day i'm going to have a time trial. And boy is that nervous or what?! A time trial! Can u imagine? I can! Hahaz! It'll be nervous! But i'm like what the fuck? I'll just run as my mind and body wills me to and just go for that darned race this sunday. I'm kinda like rushing myself to do loads of stuff. There are songs that i'm supposed to memorise that i haven't got the opportunity to do so. I shall focus on the music tmr after track then. go home and practise on my bass. Learnt that Russell has a bass too. hahaz! Maybe he has some instructional videos or something that i can learn from.

Can't wait for this sunday's show. hope that i'll put up a good one! So yeap. Hope to see you guys there! I'm sleepy...

[SMP] We Will Say Whether You're Ok

2005-04-15T21:25:00.000+08:00

i know that nobody really reads this blog. But all i really want is an opinion. or advice. So many things are happening in my life right now that it has taken a toll on my relationship. On one hand, i'm chasing desperately to be able to do that S paper of mine. In the end, i'm not sure whether i will be able to do it. But i hope i'll be able to do it. Then there's the issue of the band. Music is an essential in my life. And so that means practising for shows when we do get them. I realise that being a gigging musician is really not easy. Not easy especially when you have other things to juggle and divide your time with. Some musicians will tell you what's there to fuss about? Just enjoy music. But they dun get it. I still have a commitment to run. As much as i dun wanna run anymore, when i'm at this stage past my previous barriers, its abit too late. The pain has begun to seep into my legs. Telling me that they are there to stay. Telling me that pain is an escape. But physical pain can never surmount heart pain.

I love her. With all my heart i do. But time hasn't been kind to me. Or maybe i'm not giving her precedence. I should. i should. I should stop assuming that she will always be there for me. I should stop taking things for granted. She's not the escape. But she will escape with me. So today, we had another argument. Or misunderstanding. Basically over my stupidity.

I dun feel like writing anymore. I'm sorry to leave this hanging. But for those who read. Advice me how i can continue loving this girl that i love, even more.